Photographs

I could say so much about that place. So many wonderful things. But most of all—and I'll stand by this until the day I move back—the best thing about that place and time was you... I look at pictures of you and remember just how intensely connected we were; being that far away from each other makes it that much more noteworthy. It seems to me that nowadays, all I incline to remember are the good memories left behind. It's not that I deny the negative aspects of things  but, more or less, like to focus on what it was that brought such an enormous smile to my sullen face.

Even to this day, I still cannot pinpoint why it is that I still talk about you. Hell, I barely even talk TO you. Regardless, upon viewing pictures of you that I've seen more than a dozen times (then and now), analyzing and studying that inimitable face, that smile, and of course, that particular nose of yours, I catch myself smiling back. And although so many queries remain unanswered, I face the fact that I was not what you wanted. It doesn't hurt really but sucks just a bit.

Because you and I, we were something else. Something I've never experienced before. And this new guy—boy, how lucky he is. And if he makes you as happy as it seems, well, then I'm happy for you as well.

It's not so idiosyncratic, what a photo can do, and how almost every time I look at yours, it's almost like traveling back in time. Because although there is not a single picture of us together that exists, for the most part, I was there with you. I know it sounds deranged to some, but it was almost as if I've lived vicariously through you and those pictures. As if I've physically been everywhere you were. I've never felt anything like that before and often ponder if I'll ever again.

I learned a vast amount about myself porque de ti. You've shown me just how deep one's personality can be, in contrast to how the exterior is so accentuated before anything else. So much emphasis is placed on vanity and not nearly enough on internal beauty, though not to state that you are unattractive. It's so obvious that I felt the yen to conjure up some sort of checklist of requirements needing to be met before considering being with me.

You? You just didn't fit any of it, José. You broke all my rules. You weren't my "type." You didn't dress how I would dress. Almost everything about you physically, wasn't something I ever envisioned being attracted to. But then, I come to find all our little similarities, all our common quirks we possess about each other. But most of all, that subtle way you made me laugh. All of that was just so outlandish to me, setting me up for an attraction on such a level I've never encountered. You've taught me to dig deeper. So much deeper, because there's always more than meets the eye.

I let it all down, José. I let ALL of my guard down. You are the very first guy to ever see the side of me that emerged after my mental breakdown. The side of me I vowed I'd never show any man, because it's too much. Sometimes it's still a little too much for me. But you infiltrated my defenses with your keen charm and alluring humor.

Of course, it all came burning down to the ground, all that remains being the ashes blowing in the zephyr, lost forever like "you and me." There are infrequent times I wish I could go back and change it, because you were supposed to be the one. But then I come back down to earth and see that I wouldn't change it for the world. It was all bound to end at some point, because let's be real, all good things must come to an end. We were certainly no exception. But I don't regret it.

Because at one point, I WAS your Eric. Maybe not in my words, but somewhere in the unfathomable depths of my broken heart. I'm not gonna say I was in love by any means. But you somehow made me believe, José.

And I thank you for that.




copyright 2011