What I've Felt Since You Left...

Dialogue

How could You allow it to happen?

Permit Your hasty repossession of a borrowed heart and soul

Whom doth belonged to a family

Here on Earth?

Through my discourse with her

And You

Leading into her final days

I am befuddled that much more following her death

And by Your will

Repossession of our Mother for which You only lent

And left my shattered Father

My despondent, helpless Father whom I love just as much as her

You have left him deserted

Fearful

And shattered

Not merely broken in two by the tangible separation

But shattered

Because what is he to do now?

Other than feel the barren void You have so precisely bestowed unto him?

How can anyone understand him now

Now that she – the only one who ever did – is gone?

Back in Your possession?

His days stripped of their usual meaning

Love of a dear wife

Life partner

And I incessantly question You

And Your decisions to “look after” those in similar situations

Grant them longer opportunities

To continue being such figures in their families

But her

Were You not doing the same?

Looking out for her?

Shit – at least there could have been another way

A less painful

Miserable

Humiliating

Debilitating

More peaceful way for You to fucking take her

Because look what’s left

The longest (hardly) three months of my fucking life

Look what You left in Your wake

A family in mourning

Missing the strongest link

And it is without question

That I will continue

Transition into this new phase

But not without her – NEVER

Because to be frank

I don’t give a fuck that she had always been Yours

As far as I’m concerned

For 22 years she was mine HERE

And it pains me knowing that Your authority wields the ability to take back whenever You so desire

As if our pleads were muffled, then dismissed by Your ego

As if You didn’t even consider

Didn’t give it a chance

Her

Another chance

So go on with Your bad self

My anger may subside

But this desolation won’t

And neither will I ever understand

I may come to terms

And make peace

But I will never understand why You took her back so soon

Connect Here

I was there at the train station

Waiting diligently to go home

Reading words and ideas from another time

In a different part of the world

I grew tired of sitting –

(Funny as that may be because of the mere fact that that is usually what one does when tired – sits)

- Closed my book and stood a foot from the yellow line

When a gust of artifice brushed past me

I was instantly struck

Hypnotized, almost

And began to question

If the arrival of death

Is much like that of the arrival of a train

As I waited in the same spot

And began to wander off in my imagination

The gust intensified from a whisper

To a roaring wind cool to the touch on every exposed part of me

Death was quickly approaching

All at once

The environment ceased its commotion

And it felt as though the entire world and its inhabitants

Were suspended in that moment

And death was coming

All too fast

But now

All too slow

Simultaneously

And not fast enough

As if to suspend me too

Because I was expecting it

Bracing myself for his entrance

Bursting through that tunnel

A whirlwind has picked up now

And I can hear the echo of a unique battle cry

Three times in a row

He’s right around the corner

As I can faintly see The Light

No need to head for it – it’s going to find me anyway

Encapsulated by its radiance

Because finally

Off in the distance

He is there

Swiping up those in his path

Those in waiting

Battle cries

And the muscle of the cyclone could easily level out any terrain

And the light just grows and grows brighter and brighter

I stand ready and willing

With open arms

Fixed on that beam of light

Comparable

To the flashing of one’s own life and existence

Because death has found me now – there’s no escape

Nothing left to do but to let it rush past me with all the velocity is has built upon

Collecting my soul with all the others

Much like he did with your own

Such an imperative part of life

Equally as important as birth

And with one swift motion

My mind is swept off its feet in the direction of travel past me

Though I open my eyes

It all comes to a succinct stop

The doors to the train open as well

And I step inside

Ready for the next part of my journey

Home

Unremitting Ascension

I don’t know whether to be happy you’re free

Or mourn that you died

But suddenly

It’s as if I understand

Both

I open my eyes

And everything looks so different

So colorful

And animated and lively

And bigger and broader

And in some form of inexplicable sense

Happier

As if a bucket of paint

With your name on it

Was purposefully strewn across a canvas

Reaching every corner

Adorning every blank inch

As it thirsted for any kind of personality

And distinction

With your enlivened eyes

And equanimous smile bright enough to serve as my North Star

Your ravenous hair blowing in the tranquility of the breeze

And your joyous laughter and rapturous heartbeat

More thrilling, expectant, and rhythmic than any music I’ve ever known

All in the spectrum of hues

You’ve decorated my world with yourself

Incarnate

You are eternity

You truly continue to live

Born again, almost

Transformed, completely

Surviving from your earthly loss

Reveling in how much you’ve acquired from it

And what you’ve been able to impart unto your children

A mother, you were born to be

For I cannot think of any other woman more suitable

More saintly

More perfect

Than you

My Mommy

And those very things

In which you’ve always been capable

You are now and forevermore

Master of

You have accessed

Life force

And I can only imagine what life does in fact look like from where you stand

Because the refinement you’ve given mine

Is one only a mother

You, MY Mother

Could provide

You’ve given me life

In the most modest and literal

Yet most meticulous ways

You’ve given me the air I breathe

And have taken it away just the same

You’ve covered every step

Every foot of ground

Direct

And indirect

Everything

In such short span of time

The womb to which my first home was declared

To the roof that I am writing underneath

Meeting somewhere in the middle

You are the life-sustaining water I drink

The beautiful flowers that bloom each spring

The lush pillow I rest my head on at night

The sun, the moon, and the stars

Perpetual and metaphysical

Manifesting into the temporal

And I am so inspired

And undividedly entranced

Because you are eternity

Mommy

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