When I was a child, I remember there always being certain
inherent truths I recognized at some of the earliest points in my life. I was
very precocious; there were many things I simply knew from birth (some of which
I understood, others I didn't but still acknowledged), in that no one had to
tell me, no one had to explain, and I never second guessed (for the most part).
Among these was my sexuality. And as a disclaimer, when I
speak of my experience, I speak solely for myself and no one else. Because I know
there are countless people out there who will read my sentiments and discount
them. People by and large have this pronounced tendency to find discomfort with
the words "sexuality" and "childhood" in the same sentence
(regarding LGBT+ people). But throughout my life, I've encountered so many like
myself, who have always known of their same-sex attractions.
I can recount an innumerable amount of times as a little boy
(we’re talking toddler age range) that I was unspeakably attracted to the male
sex: I was attracted to some of my favorite comic book characters, like Gambit
from Marvel. I was attracted to Disney Princes such as Prince Eric from The
Little Mermaid (my favorite). My very first celebrity crush was John Travolta
from Grease, which I remember watching for the first time when I was maybe six
or seven years of age. And when I would fantasize about being in these story
lines, I always envisioned myself as the female lead/counterpart. And I was so
enamored by the romance of it all, above all else.
It was not until I reached kindergarten that I encountered
the language that described what I was feeling, which I quickly noticed was
always used by my classmates as more of an insult than as a genuine descriptor
of one's sexuality. Inquisitive as children tend to be, me seemingly most of
all, I followed my nose, asked some questions, and discovered what GAY means.
And while it was recognized as the very thing that could quite literally kill
me, there was still some semblance of bravery within me to also recognize how
revolutionary it was to now KNOW. And while acceptance came MUCH later, this
particular acquisition was such a radical concept and key puzzle piece to a
much larger picture that abetted my coming out.
That happened at 15, in 2005, heading into freshman year of
high school. I decried the life I allowed myself to live preceding its
commencement by essentially hard resetting myself, meaning I physically changed
my look and also because the same people that had bullied, taunted, and
ridiculed me in middle school (mostly) and (sometimes) in elementary school
would not be attending the same high school as me. I was actually a transfer
student at Pershing (different story for a different day, as you've probably
got questions), so I felt an intense sense of relief knowing that I would
attend Parkview instead of Glendale. (I came out later and separately to my parents on
two distinct occasions that were also separate themselves. But we'll save that for
later.)
Even to this day, I'm cannot discern where the courage sprouted
from, but all I do recall is meeting SO many new people and pushing myself
towards the truth. I still cannot verbalize it. This alone is how and why I
still choose to believe in the magic within me and within all of us--it is ALWAYS there, even when we don't see or feel it. And I intuited
that if I were to spend the next four years somewhere, I might as well give
myself what I deserve and actually ENJOY it. And while I was fearful in the
beginning, the more I did it, the easier it became; And to my own shock, saw
that the majority of my schoolmates really took no issue with it--even many of
the guys I knew or became acquainted with (though not to say there was no
homophobia, because there definitely was). In fact, the more I honed in on my
confidence, the more people respected me. The bullying that ravaged so much of
my life before then was no longer present. It was entirely gone. And anytime
someone felt the inclination to say anything, I had backbone enough to actually
SPEAK UP and stand up for myself. I quite literally was no longer afraid. It's
still one of the most bizarre things to try and wrap my mind around--how I
went from shy and unbelievably trepid, a punching bag of sorts, to somewhat of
my own hero. When people asked, "are you gay?" upon meeting me and
engaging in conversation, I would always respond with such affirmation and
poise, "yeah." Sometimes I would even flash a bit of a coy smirk. For
the first time in my life, I felt that one of the oldest and most definitive aspects of my
lived experience was no longer a deterrent or handicap, but empowering and even
a bit pioneering, if I'll reach. Because it does not go without saying, from
freshman year all the way to graduation, I was basically the ONLY out kid in my
graduating class. Many of my peers who were in the same grade and also LGBT+
did not come out until much later in our high school careers or even after it. My decision to live life as myself in terms of my
sexuality only led to even greater personal breakthroughs, most notably those
revolving around my meticulous queer identity. It was really only the
beginning.
In my own self-reflections, I've amassed a bit of curiosity
in these types of conversations regarding other LGBT+ people. I'd love to hear
from y'all. Tell me: what was coming out like for YOU? Feel free to share, as it’s always invited.
It helps us build a stronger community. And you can never go wrong with that,
right? Everybody needs a friend. :)
Love & Light Because It's In All of Us,
Reki*
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