Before I speak on the topic at hand, it is CRUCIAL that you, the reader, must first view this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqlY03wp7b4
And more importantly, THIS:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ko2IIvE34WY&feature=related
(You may have to copy and paste it in the address window. Furthermore, without watching these videos, a good amount of this entry may be over your head.)
Now, before I elaborate as to why these videos are so imperative, you must first understand that as a/an (music) artist, these videos capture my essence from every corner. The artistry behind them, ESPECIALLY the second one, I believe, speaks to me entirely, because it is something that I am capable of.
What's a bit humorous about all of this is that I discovered this amazing quartet by accident; and judging from that "accident," I can attest that it was the furthest occurrence from misfortune.
Because within the visuals--but most importantly--and I stress, most importantly within the aesthetics and the choreography, I didn't "find" myself nor "discover" myself, but rather, I accepted myself as a whole.
...finally...
I've long explained to so many people, most often to my mother, that when I do make it big, the one thing that separates me from other male performers more so than my vocals, is my dancing ability. There has always instinctively and naturally been this feminine energy about the way I move through the universe that I know renders me "different." "Unusual." And for those of you that have ever seen me dance, I'm willing to bet that you have no doubts about what I'm saying.
Upon initial viewing of these music videos, I became cognizant of the fact that I see myself in them, in the group. I mirror Oleg, Stas (now replaced by Francesco), Artur, and Kyryll. My performance and stage persona coincides with their own.
Then it really hit me: Is that what I look like when I dance? Because if so, well FUCK. It was the moment when I told myself, "holy shit! The heels, the dancing, the sense of preserved masculinity (because they are not in drag)! That works!" What they are doing is EXACTLY what I am going to do. It solidified the need for the effeminate side of my personality and to seek choreography that not only defies the "norm," but to seek movement that comes so naturally to me, as I've stated.
And to be honest, although I was inspired almost more than ever, I was a tiny bit invidious of them, only because I told myself that I would be the originator of such male choreography that is deemed "the way a girl normally dances," on a worldwide scale. But Kazaky (kah-zah-kee), as they call themselves, beat me to it; and I became obsessed, began avidly promoting them, and decided that I MUST WORK WITH THEM.
Okay, so now that I've explained all of that, I'm going to let you in on my biggest insecurity of them all (more than my weight). And that is:
...my femininity.
I've always perceived myself as "a happy medium" when I interpreted my demeanor to others. I told them my tendencies lay right on the line of masculine and feminine--I possess many traits of both. I'm not one more than I ever am the other. And although that may be half-true, or three-quarters of the way true, there has always been a cinch of it in the back of my mind that I intuited was unauthentic.
I'd take a gander and wager that about more than half of the things I do that are associated with masculinity were force-fed/taught to me at such a tender age by my father, and to the point that they eventually became habitual. It's too late to undo them now (and I have no desire to), being on the cusp of 21 years.
My parents are very "black-&-white" in regards to a man and a woman's role in society, in families, etc. And me, I just never fit the mold.
My 3 older brothers were apt to guide me in "how to be a boy/man," as we were children and became older. It didn't cease till I became old enough to start making decisions with my own mind.
Growing up, it was imbued that gay was/is completely "wrong." BUT, if you just so happened to be, it was without exception that being a masculine gay is better than being a feminine gay.
"Oh. He's gay?"
"Yeah. He is."
"Oh. Well at least he 'acts like a boy'."
You get the picture?
With that being said, in perpetuum, and time and time again, I've attempted to repress my femininity, not only because it connotes "faggot" and "stereotypical," by society and by my family, but because it is also seen as "unattractive" and "undesirable" within the gay community itself, which confounds me to no end.
For those of you in the community, 9 out of 10 of you know exactly what I'm talking about: "Straight-acting" gays that only go for other "straight-acting" gays.
"I'm not into femmes."
"I don't do flamboyant gay guys. I only like masculine gays."
Because I was uncertain of finding acceptance within my own family, more significantly with my father, I felt more assured I'd find acceptance within the community (in which I was DEAD WRONG and in for a rude awakening) before ever really finding the acceptance within myself.
And although it was a mistake, I don't regret it. Although it proved harmful, because I've hid/tried to hide so much of myself for so long, I can't take it back.
And if anything, there is even more division inside the gay community than there is extrinsically. If you're masculine, it's mostly smooth sailing. But if you're not, it becomes more difficult to gain esteem and respect. And sometimes even a partner. I now know how guilty I am for putting the mask on, but so many are just as guilty as I am. There is SO MUCH pressure to be masculine in the community. And it's sad.
Alas, there are many of us that do fit right in-between the two polar opposites NATURALLY. But that's not the point.
My point is that I, Reki*, Eric Arturo Copeland, am not only gay, but I am an effeminate gay too. It's always been so obvious to others, and myself, and my intentions were not only to deny it, but to suppress it as well, because it enraged me when so many pointed it out. I became frustrated when the masculinity I do have was not recognized.
I'm becoming more comfortable with it all, however. It's taking some getting used to, being myself for what and who I truly am with no pretense, but I'm getting there. I'll get there.
As I've told few people: I know I would be more comfortable showcasing the feminine mannerisms I do possess if I indeed looked more masculine--because there is a certain pride and genuine interest I do have in appearing to be male. I want to be muscular and athletic, and I want to be able to grow a beard, because it is the part of me that IS male, biologically (if that makes sense). And because I'm more feminine, I still want to FEEL like a man. I think that's the beauty of being (an effeminate) gay.
Also, because of this subconscious indoctrination, and BECAUSE I AM feminine, I would ideally like to end up with a masculine gay man, solely because I'm "old fashioned," as odd as it sounds. I know I'm trying to preach self-acceptance and self-love, but I can't help the way I'm wired. I know it's contrary to what I've said, but it is what I've gravitated towards when it comes to finding a potential lover (which is why I would attempt to come off as more masculine than I really am). Because I've been told all my life that it is what is desirable, it is what I do indeed believe to be (more) attractive--but more chiefly, is right FOR ME. I'm not discrediting femininity at all or labeling it "unattractive," as the majority of gays do, seeing as to how I am myself. I'm simply stating that for me, it is what I find to be ideal. And everyone is different.
Regardless, whatever "kind" of gay you are, be PROUD. And be CONFIDENT, most vitally.
You are beautiful, no matter who or what tries to say otherwise.
And so am I.
Lastly, I've found that all of this has been so much of a blessing. The fact that I'm unique (and feminine) in more ways than one should be celebrated, never chastened. After all, it is what will propel me into superstardom in the first place.
Why would I want it any other way?
Love yourself and be yourself without reservation,
Reki*
copyright 2011
