I am NOT afraid of you.
I've said it once, and I will continue to say it till the day I die...till the day that you go away forever. I am so much stronger than you, never question. And although sometimes I give into you and you make me feel so worthless afterward, I CANNOT be stopped. I WILL NOT allow you to defeat me.
Addictions: they can be monstrous. They can snatch away everything you have, right from under your feet. Me? Not only has this taken place in the past, but I've been dealing with/coping with/analyzing/tapering my implied addiction for about six whole years now. And even to this day, I find that it still has the dexterity to trump me every now and then.
Last Thursday, I made the decision to act on something that I mostly intuited would bring me to angst, disgust, remorse, and contrition (and it indeed did), though I emphatically state that I do not regret a single thing from my past...that is, once I (get) over(come) it. HOWEVER, what I find to be irritating is the amount of regret I feel IN THIS MOMENT and whilst dealing with the repercussions of the situation and my mindless actions from that day. I abhor the amount of grief and heartache I endure and ultimately place upon my own self for even permitting what is a shrinking but still potentially threatening problem to play itself out. It angers me that when placed in a predicament - whether self-induced or not - that I even have to talk myself though my "options," already having dealt with this in previous months and knowing right from wrong. I should already know that the answer is NO. You would think that after all this time and all that has happened to me that I would have learned my lesson...
And sometimes, to be quite honest...
I feel so powerless...
...and it just gets the better of me. It takes over. And in spite of feeling as if there is even a pound of willpower that can resist - because I know it's there - I feel as though at times it is all too miniscule to fend off temptation; I still need assistance in transforming that pound into a ton. And so I continue to seek help where I can find it. I suppose it was a bit naïve to believe that my addiction withered away entirely in Missouri. Maybe it was wishful thinking.
Those of you with addictions may be able to relate, especially those able to admit that they have a problem and are attempting to correct it. When you've come as far as I have, and STILL, you allow yourself to fall victim to a depraved behavior/action/etc. that you know can/will cause you to take unnecessary steps back, steps you should have already taken so that you can move FORWARD, nothing feels more dreadful than conceding that addiction to carry out its will, KNOWING THAT YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN IT.
And that's really just it. Why?
What's worse is the lack of emotion that follows. As masochistic as it sounds, I'm partial to affliction than to indifference. When pain is channeled though my being as a result of my aforementioned idiocy, I am able to appreciate the good even more (but that doesn't mean the pain doesn't suck).
On the flipside, when I feel dispassion, I feel completely detached from my own mind and to a small extent, my soul. I am deprived. Nothing excites me, nothing hurts me, inspires me. And THAT is one of THE WORST experiences ever: to not feel inspired. Because to me, inspiration and living are synonymous.
Do you understand the gravity of my problem? haha? :/
This cycle MUST be broken. I will do everything in my power to ensure that it is. As much as I need to focus on my music and career/future, I need to pave the way using my maturity and intelligence to alleviate this problem once and for all.
This will never go without saying, that because I have been in this quandary before and ALWAYS come out on top, I can and WILL do it again. And although my moods swing up and down throughout the day, at the end of it all, my precious intuition assures me that not only is it my duty to stay here in Los Angeles and to deal with it here, but that I WILL get past it. It's imminent. And I believe. As much as it pangs me now, I know that in due time, I will look back on this and be better off. I am getting my fairy tale back. I'm reclaiming what is rightfully mine, and I will never hand it over so submissively again.
I may feel apathy towards feeling worse and feeling better now (and that is subject to change for better or worse), but that is besides the point. I'm punching and tearing my way through the impediment I bury myself under so that I can release myself from all that makes me "normal" - because that is what it does to me (when I act out on it). My addiction makes me a normal person. And I am not normal.
So if you're going through the same hardship, just know that there are SO many of us out there that are going through it too. And that there are even MORE of us that have overcome it. It may strike your heart with agony and strife, but keep faith alive and a positive attitude that this will come to pass. You are NEVER alone. So smile.
And always remember...
You will live.
You will love.
You will dance again.
I am NOT afraid of you...
Reki*
copyright 2012
