Before I sound desperate and pathetic, I just want you, the reader, to know that I have every intention of articulating this in a secure and terse manner, in hopes that you won't roll yours eyes as much while I mourn over the reality of what I'm about to say.
Well, I'm getting ahead of myself. Please, allow me to begin by stating, firstly, that I was in New York just this past week.
And, well, if anything, being surrounded by that many people, that many transient strangers, it made me realize just how...um...lonely I really am...
Haha?
"This beautiful city seems empty; All the people in the world and you can still feel lonely," states Alicia Keys in the beginning of her video for "Doesn't Mean Anything." This sentiment directly speaks to how I felt the night my good friends and I returned from bar-hopping.
The objective that night was to find someone to hook-up with - I'll be honest and because I'm on that level. Well, judging by the way I'm expressing my disappointment, you can probably conclude that it was a failure. I got to thinking, you know, about all the things I've been through in my hometown. I began to remember all the difficulties I've encountered searching for "love" preceding my accident, and just how many more manifested themselves afterward. I've long given up on a chance at anything special in the town of Springfield, solely because I already know there is nothing here for me to begin with (and there never really was).
But being 1100+ miles away from all of that, in the greatest city of them all (and a decent bar with hot boys galore) and still, unable to find one measly guy to make-out with really opened my eyes to just how much I not only have (talent, intellect, family, ambition, dreams), but especially to how much I don't have, nor have ever...
And that, my friends...is love.
Some form of a meaningful relationship.
Genuine affection. The kind you would receive from an actual lover, not someone you really, really like.
Even a fake we-only-dated-for-2-weeks-in-8th-grade-because-everyone-else-was-doing-it kind of relationship.
Something, anything.
I've only done the nasty (and sometimes freak nasty); some of which were my own doing, some of which were not (completely. I have been taken advantage of, mistaking my feelings and his motives for something more. Who has that not happened to?). I've never been in love. I've crushed, like every other human being, and there are infrequent times I believe I came close to it (love): I've had the typical puppy love gone wrong situation, the cold-feet-when-you-asked-me-to-be-your-boyfriend-so-I-said-no predicament, and the mildly (just mildly) annoying and uncertain, fickle I-liked-you-yesterday-but-I-don't-today bullshit.
And that's the problem all its own - I've never really made it past these happenstances. Hell, I've never even been on a date. Just the idea, talking about this thing called "love" makes my stomach physically churn.
Petty. I get it.
Rueful. Yes, I know.
However, I haven't reached complete and total desperation (yet), so you gotta give me some kind of break.
Moving on, I know that I'm barely 21, and I have my whole life ahead of me. But at some point, even you would begin to question: "When is it gonna be my turn?"
I've grown so weary on the prospects of love, that it's actually sort of aided me in examining not only all that I want from life, but just how much easier it'll be to get there without someone holding me back. I'm beginning to view things from a more positive aspect, i.e. "I won't get distracted on my way to the top."
"I won't have someone clouding my every thought when I can be making a game plan. I can focus on me and my future and really follow my dreams and my heart." It's always one or the other.
Needless to say, I've chosen my career. I've relinquished any possibility and said "no" to a love life that was not only so feeble and premature, but to a love life that only resulted in a life changing and traumatizing occurrence (for which I am truly grateful for and would not change for the world). I'm ready to accept the consequences of this decision.
I've never known what it's like to be in love: why lament over something that was never mine? Might as well make this decision now before I ever get a taste, right?
And although I'm not going to lie to you and say I'm entirely happy about my resolution, in all honesty and at the end of the day, my future musical career and aspirations and all the many things I'm gonna accomplish really do mean more to me than some man that knows me from the inside-out, the one that was made for me... Wherever he is...
Sorry...
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