The other night I had someone whom I was conversing with tell me that one of the reasons why he thinks I am "so attractive" is because he prefers feminine guys to masculine guys.
I didn't know how to react. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know how to respond. I was just silent, my mouth a bit agape, and a bit in disbelief.
I've not once ever heard a guy say this to me in my entire life - NOT ONCE. I didn't know that there were guys out there that are attracted to an effeminate poise (all of which is partially to blame on how small and narrow-minded the community here can be/is.) Generally speaking, it seems like no matter where I go, masculinity is ALWAYS the inclination for other gay men. It appears to me that when regarding relationships, most men worship masculine guys and shun feminine guys, others adore masculinity but are open to femininity, but NEVER do I find guys that are entirely partial to a femme gay. Never do I encounter guys that have a propensity to be exclusively drawn in by someone of my behavioral caliber: someone that "struts," doesn't simply just walk (because that's just the way I move); someone that has a softer air and smile about them; someone that naturally assumes more of a compliant role than a superior one. I never thought I'd meet someone that is enticed by my beta-like tendencies...until that conversation.
I've talked to so many guys in the past two days on plentyoffish.com - I know, that is how sad my "love life" (lack thereof) is, but that is besides the point. There have been an innumerable amount of men on there that have initiated conversation with me on the premise that I am a "man's man" merely by viewing the pictures of me. Mind you, a good amount of my interests are a bit ambiguous and my profile contains a photo of me shirtless, exposing my "harder" side. The side of me that is masculine.
Well, when it boiled down to it, about 99% of those that were interested in my photos wound up simply discontinuing our chat when I revealed to them my feminine disposition. In fact, I've come across a myriad of profiles with the kind of men I'm typically attracted to (masculine and some even with the same interests) disclaiming that they are opposed to relationships with femme homosexuals or that they would not respond to someone that conducts themself like or similar to my own self.
It's a bit oppressive, though I know I shouldn't be surprised nor shocked - that is the mindset to which I am accustomed. But still, I drift into a sort of downtrodden mood almost every time this happens, which I've still yet to understand. And sometimes I feel counteractive towards what it is I stand for - equal opportunity potential lovers - when I gravitate towards a more dominating, less "conventional" gay man (for extreme lack of a better term, for which I apologize).
However, allow me to explain myself: If you haven't read my posts prior to this one, I'll go ahead and say this again. Me, I am so attracted to alpha males. Specifically speaking, those that come off as more masculine-inclined, and those that are masculine in physicality as well. Let me iterate that because of the influence this community has on what is a desirable gay man, also, because I am more effeminate, to balance out the energy, I am instinctively charmed by the masculine types. So when I'm online, that is generally what I seek. BUT LET IT BE KNOWN that just because I consciously and intuitively seek manly men DOES NOT MEAN I disregard a connection I may have with someone that does not hold to that "standard." My penis has a type. My heart does not.
Too many people are looking for love with their genitalia instead of their hearts. It's gross. It is my firm belief that when someone claims, "s/he is not my type," it's synonymous to, "I wouldn't fuck them." I understand that we all have our "things" for certain kinds of people. But when you deny someone a good standing chance at your heart when it is so evident that a real connection is there solely BECAUSE they are "NOT YOUR TYPE," I don't judge, but I definitely do not know what to think. It's a travesty.
I've since conditioned myself to deviate from this attitude, as I was heavy into it at one point. I've learned so many things through a certain two diametrically different guys I've had an interest in, in the past, both of which were "not my type" in the beginning. This goes without saying that once I felt a deeper connection, though I was a bit scared/hesitant and maybe even uncomfortable with the slightest prospects, I opened up. The rest is history.
Lastly, because of the discrimination I am presented with not just in this world alone, but ESPECIALLY in the romantic realm, I've found that though at times it is discouraging to have a smoking hot dude that's feeling you one second, then not the next because you tell him he's not who or what he thinks you are, I won't allow myself to become totally jaded. There is some strand of hope that because I have this kind of outlook on "love," that there just has to be another guy out there with the same, somewhere...
There's someone for everyone, right?
I suppose I shouldn't worry about rejection coming from superficial and feeble-minded boys. When the time and place comes - who knows? I may just stumble across the man that will fall head-over-heels with me despite the fact that my foot will more than likely be in my mouth. I may just find that very man that compliments that of which the community and the rest of the world so shamelessly dismisses.
So remember to ALWAYS stay true to who you are, no matter how difficult it may be at times or how tempted you are to impress someone. Love wouldn't change you for the world, and neither will the person you end up with want to.
Moving forward,
Reki*
copyright 2011
