"I'm not myself when you're around. I'm not myself standing in a crowd. I'm not myself, and I don't know how. I'm not myself, myself right now."
These lyrics (sung by Madonna on "X-static Process" from her severely underrated album American Life - you should listen sometime if you haven't) have been resonating with me in a discordant way lately. And although I've listened to this song millions of times over (because it's so poetic and beautiful), recently, I've actually been able to experience, relate, and penetrate into the depths of its lyrical content and value through means of another person's company. It is so unusual to me, just how someone's presence can summon all of your idiosyncrasies. And that, because we are multifaceted individuals with multidimensional personalities (at least I hope), there are those people out there in the world that have the ability to compel those latent qualities within us to come out and play. It happens at least once in everyone's life, if not twice. And it's the most noticeable thing when it occurs.
Needless to say...
...there's this boy...
I know, I know. Seems like all I ever do in these situations is elaborate in vague AND precise detail about just how much tumult and woe boys cause. But this certain context strikes me pretty contrastive than all the others boys I've had the misfortune of tripping over in the past months since I've relocated here.
The only true problem with any of this is that I am not capable of concluding whether THIS ONE is for better or for worse.
In short, for those of you that know me (and know anything about me), it is markedly evident that by demeanor, nature, and instinct, my mannerisms tend to blend the societal constructs of what is conventional behavior for a man and for a woman. I'd claim a good 60/40 feminine-to-masculine ratio (for sake of simplicity for this post). And with that in mind, I have the proclivity to assume a more passive, beta male role when it comes to romance and intimacy with other men. That's how I've always been. It's just me in my element. Me at my most comfortable. Me at my most confident. So on and so forth...
...though not always.
And that statement ("though not always") is where things become a bit upended.
I met this boy. I really enjoy passing the time with him. I really enjoy talking with him. I really enjoy his smile and laughter. He has expressed himself mutually. And we're still at the basis of this acquaintanceship/friendship. He contains a pretty masculine disposition, as I tend to affirm more effeminacy (as stated above). It's a good balance.
You probably know where all this is leading...
Well, due to my unilateral way of conceiving relationships (by means of heterosexist indoctrination - thank you Springfield, Missouri), I assumed, when first spending time with him, that since he conducts himself in a more MASCULINE comportment (though he contains his own feminine tendencies as well), if it ever came down to it, he would IDEALISTICALLY be the TOP, correct?
WRONG.
Turns out, when said boy is with another man (implications of bisexuality in case you couldn't pick that up), he culls the same position I normally do. In fact, he's almost entirely impartial to dominance over another male.
Talk about a buzz-kill. Don't y'all (more effeminate) BOTTOMS (seeking a more dominating top) hate that? It's like, you meet someone that is seemingly PERFECT. It's almost as if you hit the lotto. You're having fun and shit and just talking and hanging out and having a good time. And then THAT goes and happens. And all you wanna do is scream, "FAHK!!! FAWK!!!!! FUCKKKK!!!!!" What is this world coming to? I feel like you could place 1000 exclusive tops into one room and tell them to find a partner and they'll 9-times-out-of-10 successfully do it with "reasonable" compromise. But do the same with exclusive bottoms and it's like, out of the question. It's like, what are we gonna do? Scissor? UGHHHHHHHHH.
Moving on...
That is how all of this has panned out thus far, mind you.
Well, retracing back to Madonna's lyrics in the beginning, the days that came to follow after he informed me of his preference, it was almost as if a switch inside my mind was flipped; like the equilibrium of his masculinity and my femininity tipped completely over to the masculine side. I found myself behaving more, hmmmm, how do you say, virile. It was natural in some ways (40 of the 60 ratio and highly noteworthy), contrived in others ([60 of the 40] queries and antecedents of what it means to be "The Alpha", then carry out the part).
And that - I'm almost positive - may be all too trivial for you to understand, as I tend to really be the only one that knows what it is I am trying to depict. But I always figure I'd give things a shot. There's gotta be someone out there that knows what I'm saying.
I felt that since he - and without question - appropriated MY zone of comfort, I had to assume the role I'm not accustomed to playing. So again, the position of alpha was naturally (in the long run) taken on - it's not new (because this has happened TWICE before in the past with one guy), but it still isn't totally familiar (because it's ONLY happened TWICE in the past and that was well over a year ago), I guess would be the most sensible way to explain it. But from the other perspective, it still isn't absolutely natural (I'm a bottom damn it, and I know what I want). And conversely, since I tend to not be the active partner and submit, he was really being the dominant one by refusing to apply himself to what has been associated with his aptitude.
In layman's terms, he naturally and unnaturally provoked the masculine side of my personality (almost as a whole) on numerous planes and to the point that I almost shun my feminine poise and impulses around him...
"Jesus Christ won't you look at me? Don't know who I'm supposed to be. Don't really know if I should give a damn. When you're around, I don't know who I am," sings Madonna throughout the chorus of the song.
And those words spoke to me in a whole new way, all of a sudden. The more time I spent with him, the more I became unsure of who I was supposed to be around him. The more I felt I didn't know who I was around him. The more I questioned whether or not I could even be myself in EVERY LIGHT of the term and still attract him. The more the feminine side of the coin was face-down.
It's not good. It's not bad. It's not that I'm not being myself, because I am. I'm just being the me that doesn't routinely surface. I'm being the me I'm not completely sure how to actually be. I'm being the me that never really has a reason to appear. The me that not too many people in this world have the capability of invoking.
And that really is what I've been trying to get at this whole time (I know, directness is not my strong suit). Those of you out there that chuckle when I claim I'm actually pretty masculine too (and I'm sorry for the labels. I'm just trying to be emphatic. Call it a double-edged sword) really have no clue who I am at the very core. Because as I've said in the beginning, as multifaceted individuals with multidimensional personalities - myself being one of those individuals - there isn't merely ONE side of me to every situation and person. And if YOU are the same everytime, all the time, you must be REALLY BORING.
(And just a side note to all you gays out there reading this: whenever approached or conversing with a guy that is "naturally" or "just/only masculine", ABORT MISSION. That dude right there probably has NO brains, NO personality, and NO versatility. And what does that equal? NO FUN.)
It's as simple as those instances when you hear someone's friend or family member say, "I don't like who so-and-so is when they're around so-and-so," or "so-and-so becomes a completely different person when so-and-so is around."
A different person? They're just showcasing the side of them people aren't used to seeing (and they themselves probably are unaware of it); and that person they're exposed to has the ability to rouse it out of them. It's rather catalytic. And what's more, it's really that simple. Think about it people.
This all points back to the heterosexist conditioning that is imposed upon this world. If I am to be the alpha male, then I am to govern myself within the customary standard of what it means in society to play the role. And that is so black and white of me. I can't apologize for it; especially if I am aware that this world isn't always so cookie cutter. I can try to change my outlook, however. But it's a challenge.
But this begs the question: if we are BOTH masculine, then why does one portray the passive partner and the other the active partner? And moreover, why is that so acceptable and "normal" within the gay community, but more crucially, viewed as quintessential? It's almost unheard of (at least in my own ears and experience) of TWO feminine men in a relationship where the sexual compatibility is a match, as the aforementioned. Yet, that almost seems outlandish in the community. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's my Missourian speaking.
Maybe I'm extrapolating too much.
Because this boy ended up telling me that he was indeed attracted to the feminine side of myself I wasn't pressured to constrain when we began spending time together. And now that I know what I know, I have to try and get comfortable openly expressing that side of myself around him all over again. This is a lot of work, and we're just friends. But, we're friends nonetheless and just going with the flow. Who knows what'll happen with us? Besides, my musical career is what is MOST important. But either way, I like having him around. I'm learning a lot about myself and what it means to continue on being me in every single way I can and know...and being untroubled by it. He's really helping me to learn how to be confident with ALL sides of my personality.
"I always wished that I could find someone as beautiful as you. But in the process I forgot that I was special too. I always wished that I could find someone as talented as you. But in the process I forgot that I was just as good as you..."
Reki*
copyright 2013
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Poetry & Prose: Life From My Point of View at This Very Moment
fAME
Fame isn't everything
Though sometimes I think it is
It's far too easy to become addicted
And once you surrender, you'll always be in
The current is supernaturally rapid
To swim against it is a daunting task
And one that proves nearly impossible
It's easier to just do as you're asked
There is too much the public is not informed of
But much of it is right in front of their eyes
Subject matter worth so much attention
Much of which is subconscious and disguised
But look a little harder
Listen a little closer
Feel a little deeper
You'll find a myriad of 4-leaf clovers
Fame really isn't everything
Though sometimes I make it out to be
Because I knew what I was getting myself into
It really is what it seems
There are times I disassociate
Because there is a trauma with the acquisition
There's so much personal give and not enough personal take
The territory that comes with this position
Every single day consists of flashes and lights
Hoards of strangers with fanatic requests
Somehow, I do it all with a bright smile
When on the inside, I'm really a mess
It's hard to find someone to trust
They all have the same face but different names
Going through the motions of everyday existence
You've always been the spark to my flame
Fame isn't anything at all
Because love is such sheer force
Overcomes and conquers all
Especially regret and remorse
I thought I could win you over
But the spotlight had little to no appeal
You'd rather retain what is private
And I had sung to you about how it is I feel
To no avail, it wasn't enough
Such risk has left me in the dark
Won't you light another flame for me?
Provide my heart another spark?
Fame is nothing
All that time I believed it was
Placed so much emphasis on the surface
That it cracked, I fell through, ended up dichotomous
To most eyes, I have it all
But in reality, it's nothing when no one's there
Because it's you and it's always been you
In my thoughts, my words, in the air
And I just breathe deeply and slowly
Brace myself as my career travels faster
Passing so many transient strangers
And it doesn't really matter
Fame is all I have
The abundance and inanimate wealth
Because my fans and the world will always know who I am
Though I don't even know myself
For years now I've been much like a ship lost at sea
And that is why I now know fame never was, never has been, and never will be...
A Word of Advice
Keep your head up kid
It's all about how you play the game
And what you do with the cards you're dealt
And how to accept the person you became
I know the road gets tough and lonely
But keep faith that you'll make it through
Trials and tribulations help us learn and grow
And these lessons reinforce your life's value
You should never let life get the best of you
In fact, it should be the other way around
Because no matter what, it's all worth it in the end
Life isn't always a treacherous battleground
So take things for what they are
And ask questions when your heart cannot keep silent
Take action when you feel necessary
Be courageous, be bold, be confident
And keep your head up kid
Smile and move onward - press on and continue
Because nothing in life ever truly goes wrong
Only the way it's supposed to
All at Once
Disapproval
Coming from dissimilar sources
And I question
Why it is that ultimately
I disregard
As if I read the cautionary notices posted
And continue on
Run past the "wet floor" sign
Enter the yard with the fence sign reading "beware of dog"
Like none of it matters
And all that truly does
Is disproportionate to what it is
I am after
Though those words may never leave my lips
My eyes enjoy what they see
And my mind
Well
There are exponential directions it voluntarily and involuntarily wanders
And I do nothing but soak in it
All of the frivolous, explicit imagery
Encased within my head
And then it hits me
Almost all at once
DO NOT TRUST THAT SMILE
Angel's Flight
Why I constrain
And silence myself
When I should be speaking
And ever so loudly
I am not certain
Perhaps it is the sense of being blockaded
Withheld from my own creativity
And unable to focus
Though not completely
Because I'm so tough
And can make it through
Push
Hold on
And BULLDOZE though any impediment
And that's just me
Because I'm meant for this
And made for it
I'd love for you to allow me to demonstrate
And maybe even take you along for the ride
A trip
A nice little trip to the stars
Unfolding
Man
SO MUCH has been going on
Sometimes at lightning speeds
Other times painstakingly slow
But somehow
I like this more
I like this so much more
That I love it
And learning how to embrace
And the value of doing such
The quality
Of my beautiful life
And I'm on my way
Where I am
Still aware
Knowing where it is I'm going
Somehow
Someway
When it all is supposed to
I continue to surprise myself
Dream even bigger
Even more
And love...
Loving as if I have
And I feel it
I can feel it
I'm onto something
Retrospect
Rolling with the punches
I'm a rather dramatic entity
Life isn't quite the misadventure I've alluded to in recent thoughts
Though I am not entirely there just yet
I will
And embrace, I should
All that has been dealt
Because at some point
I'm going to look back on ALL of this
And thank God :)
Hallucinations
I have such mixed feelings toward it all
Though I know I should simply drop it
And though I ask what it is I may have said
Or done
To deserve your disrespect
I suppose I truthfully do know
And even though I got it all wrong
If I'm right about one thing
YOU, SIR
Were never worth the words I spoke
And the time, energy, and thought
You were merely a mirage
Constraints
These constraints
These spleenful constraints
My, the effect they've had on me
My body
My mind, emotions
My spirit
And in the beginning
So unfazed
Oblivious
Two months later
Feeling like twisted eternity
In a state of flux
Making valiant efforts to stabilize
Knowing that it's really not as bad as it sounds
But feeling
Constrained
These constraints
So desperate to emancipate myself
Maybe I must practice more patience?
Focus my energy on the good
But that is so difficult to do
When you are free
But not as free as you want to be
Becoming Someone
All the lights
Edifices
This city gives me
Life
Conceived through thought
First and foremost
In the process of becoming
More and more
Through action
Because these words have been spoken
Sung, more so
Since the acquisition of speech
And memory
And here I am
Becoming someone
Almost 22 Years Later...
I've come to a conclusion
More viscous than entirely solid
That I know
Or have become acquainted with every human emotion
Known to the human mind
Happiness in abundance
Pain in multitudes
Everything else filling the black voids
The sky so blue
For reasons unresolved
Unanswered
Though I have the slightest clue
As to why
There is STILL one feeling I've yet to uncover
Discover
See
Face
To face
It begins with L
And ends with E
It's not "lube"
Because I know you can wash that away
And all the evidence
All of the nothing
Washing nothing away
But somehow feeling branded
Marked
Though not as severely as before
Intimidated by all the perfection
Seemingly
Or simply
Then I ask myself
How do I stand a chance?
Self-abasing
Though cognizant
And it gives me reason
And reason enough
SOLID justification
To not ever know
Or acquaint myself
With the single strongest
Human emotion known to the human mind
I've still yet to feel
Almost 22 years later...
Fisk
There's so much that's been happening
Busier than I've been in recent years
Constantly on the go
And so determined
To become
Much of the clutter detained in my head
Has but barely had the opportunity to speak itself
Because often times
My mouth's creation of words
Processed from these thoughts proceeding
Do not entirely correlate
Equate
And match
So I find myself in another one of these trances
Difficult to explain
But not entirely incapable
And pushing forward
Because these dreams
Belong in the backseat of a shiny black limo
And on stage
And my future
In the hands of none other than myself
Parentheses
I'm still figuring this all out
Figuring it all out for myself
Learning new things
Feeling new things
Revisiting older ones
Vague as it sounds to you
But so particular
In my account
And experiences
Because every time I see the skyline
(And the Hollywood Sign)
I feel like I can fly
Trust Me
I find myself moping again
Only this time
Silently
Longing for a companion of sorts
Lonesome
And obvious
I smile
Still
Convincingly or not
It's there
And although it's becoming harder to do
If anything
That should give me more of a reason to
Listo
Somehow
I can only see beyond this
Can feel
And envision
The worth
And all the smiles
The beauty
So prophetic
And these coming weeks
Pitch black
Unknown
But I face it
Head on
Ready for whatever the Angel throws at me
Because it's mine
This
Is mine
I trust that You're doing this for a reason
But rest assured
I ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT
So try me >:)
A Question
Although I came unprepared
I have this urge to write
I am not certain as to what exactly I must speak on
And I seem to enter this mindset frequently
Lately
Maybe it is to keep my handwriting neat?
Or because I am restless?
Or perhaps it really has become similar
To eating
Drinking
Breathing
But more synonymous with living
Because I have yet to love
I suppose that time itself will hold the answer
I am pensive
Curious
Because of the imminence
Though I do not wait around
Sit
Rather
I'm out
And searching for new forms of life
I feel
New forms of laughter
New forms of learning
But still
Still missing
Love?
copyright 2012
Fame isn't everything
Though sometimes I think it is
It's far too easy to become addicted
And once you surrender, you'll always be in
The current is supernaturally rapid
To swim against it is a daunting task
And one that proves nearly impossible
It's easier to just do as you're asked
There is too much the public is not informed of
But much of it is right in front of their eyes
Subject matter worth so much attention
Much of which is subconscious and disguised
But look a little harder
Listen a little closer
Feel a little deeper
You'll find a myriad of 4-leaf clovers
Fame really isn't everything
Though sometimes I make it out to be
Because I knew what I was getting myself into
It really is what it seems
There are times I disassociate
Because there is a trauma with the acquisition
There's so much personal give and not enough personal take
The territory that comes with this position
Every single day consists of flashes and lights
Hoards of strangers with fanatic requests
Somehow, I do it all with a bright smile
When on the inside, I'm really a mess
It's hard to find someone to trust
They all have the same face but different names
Going through the motions of everyday existence
You've always been the spark to my flame
Fame isn't anything at all
Because love is such sheer force
Overcomes and conquers all
Especially regret and remorse
I thought I could win you over
But the spotlight had little to no appeal
You'd rather retain what is private
And I had sung to you about how it is I feel
To no avail, it wasn't enough
Such risk has left me in the dark
Won't you light another flame for me?
Provide my heart another spark?
Fame is nothing
All that time I believed it was
Placed so much emphasis on the surface
That it cracked, I fell through, ended up dichotomous
To most eyes, I have it all
But in reality, it's nothing when no one's there
Because it's you and it's always been you
In my thoughts, my words, in the air
And I just breathe deeply and slowly
Brace myself as my career travels faster
Passing so many transient strangers
And it doesn't really matter
Fame is all I have
The abundance and inanimate wealth
Because my fans and the world will always know who I am
Though I don't even know myself
For years now I've been much like a ship lost at sea
And that is why I now know fame never was, never has been, and never will be...
A Word of Advice
Keep your head up kid
It's all about how you play the game
And what you do with the cards you're dealt
And how to accept the person you became
I know the road gets tough and lonely
But keep faith that you'll make it through
Trials and tribulations help us learn and grow
And these lessons reinforce your life's value
You should never let life get the best of you
In fact, it should be the other way around
Because no matter what, it's all worth it in the end
Life isn't always a treacherous battleground
So take things for what they are
And ask questions when your heart cannot keep silent
Take action when you feel necessary
Be courageous, be bold, be confident
And keep your head up kid
Smile and move onward - press on and continue
Because nothing in life ever truly goes wrong
Only the way it's supposed to
All at Once
Disapproval
Coming from dissimilar sources
And I question
Why it is that ultimately
I disregard
As if I read the cautionary notices posted
And continue on
Run past the "wet floor" sign
Enter the yard with the fence sign reading "beware of dog"
Like none of it matters
And all that truly does
Is disproportionate to what it is
I am after
Though those words may never leave my lips
My eyes enjoy what they see
And my mind
Well
There are exponential directions it voluntarily and involuntarily wanders
And I do nothing but soak in it
All of the frivolous, explicit imagery
Encased within my head
And then it hits me
Almost all at once
DO NOT TRUST THAT SMILE
Angel's Flight
Why I constrain
And silence myself
When I should be speaking
And ever so loudly
I am not certain
Perhaps it is the sense of being blockaded
Withheld from my own creativity
And unable to focus
Though not completely
Because I'm so tough
And can make it through
Push
Hold on
And BULLDOZE though any impediment
And that's just me
Because I'm meant for this
And made for it
I'd love for you to allow me to demonstrate
And maybe even take you along for the ride
A trip
A nice little trip to the stars
Unfolding
Man
SO MUCH has been going on
Sometimes at lightning speeds
Other times painstakingly slow
But somehow
I like this more
I like this so much more
That I love it
And learning how to embrace
And the value of doing such
The quality
Of my beautiful life
And I'm on my way
Where I am
Still aware
Knowing where it is I'm going
Somehow
Someway
When it all is supposed to
I continue to surprise myself
Dream even bigger
Even more
And love...
Loving as if I have
And I feel it
I can feel it
I'm onto something
Retrospect
Rolling with the punches
I'm a rather dramatic entity
Life isn't quite the misadventure I've alluded to in recent thoughts
Though I am not entirely there just yet
I will
And embrace, I should
All that has been dealt
Because at some point
I'm going to look back on ALL of this
And thank God :)
Hallucinations
I have such mixed feelings toward it all
Though I know I should simply drop it
And though I ask what it is I may have said
Or done
To deserve your disrespect
I suppose I truthfully do know
And even though I got it all wrong
If I'm right about one thing
YOU, SIR
Were never worth the words I spoke
And the time, energy, and thought
You were merely a mirage
Constraints
These constraints
These spleenful constraints
My, the effect they've had on me
My body
My mind, emotions
My spirit
And in the beginning
So unfazed
Oblivious
Two months later
Feeling like twisted eternity
In a state of flux
Making valiant efforts to stabilize
Knowing that it's really not as bad as it sounds
But feeling
Constrained
These constraints
So desperate to emancipate myself
Maybe I must practice more patience?
Focus my energy on the good
But that is so difficult to do
When you are free
But not as free as you want to be
Becoming Someone
All the lights
Edifices
This city gives me
Life
Conceived through thought
First and foremost
In the process of becoming
More and more
Through action
Because these words have been spoken
Sung, more so
Since the acquisition of speech
And memory
And here I am
Becoming someone
Almost 22 Years Later...
I've come to a conclusion
More viscous than entirely solid
That I know
Or have become acquainted with every human emotion
Known to the human mind
Happiness in abundance
Pain in multitudes
Everything else filling the black voids
The sky so blue
For reasons unresolved
Unanswered
Though I have the slightest clue
As to why
There is STILL one feeling I've yet to uncover
Discover
See
Face
To face
It begins with L
And ends with E
It's not "lube"
Because I know you can wash that away
And all the evidence
All of the nothing
Washing nothing away
But somehow feeling branded
Marked
Though not as severely as before
Intimidated by all the perfection
Seemingly
Or simply
Then I ask myself
How do I stand a chance?
Self-abasing
Though cognizant
And it gives me reason
And reason enough
SOLID justification
To not ever know
Or acquaint myself
With the single strongest
Human emotion known to the human mind
I've still yet to feel
Almost 22 years later...
Fisk
There's so much that's been happening
Busier than I've been in recent years
Constantly on the go
And so determined
To become
Much of the clutter detained in my head
Has but barely had the opportunity to speak itself
Because often times
My mouth's creation of words
Processed from these thoughts proceeding
Do not entirely correlate
Equate
And match
So I find myself in another one of these trances
Difficult to explain
But not entirely incapable
And pushing forward
Because these dreams
Belong in the backseat of a shiny black limo
And on stage
And my future
In the hands of none other than myself
Parentheses
I'm still figuring this all out
Figuring it all out for myself
Learning new things
Feeling new things
Revisiting older ones
Vague as it sounds to you
But so particular
In my account
And experiences
Because every time I see the skyline
(And the Hollywood Sign)
I feel like I can fly
Trust Me
I find myself moping again
Only this time
Silently
Longing for a companion of sorts
Lonesome
And obvious
I smile
Still
Convincingly or not
It's there
And although it's becoming harder to do
If anything
That should give me more of a reason to
Listo
Somehow
I can only see beyond this
Can feel
And envision
The worth
And all the smiles
The beauty
So prophetic
And these coming weeks
Pitch black
Unknown
But I face it
Head on
Ready for whatever the Angel throws at me
Because it's mine
This
Is mine
I trust that You're doing this for a reason
But rest assured
I ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT
So try me >:)
A Question
Although I came unprepared
I have this urge to write
I am not certain as to what exactly I must speak on
And I seem to enter this mindset frequently
Lately
Maybe it is to keep my handwriting neat?
Or because I am restless?
Or perhaps it really has become similar
To eating
Drinking
Breathing
But more synonymous with living
Because I have yet to love
I suppose that time itself will hold the answer
I am pensive
Curious
Because of the imminence
Though I do not wait around
Sit
Rather
I'm out
And searching for new forms of life
I feel
New forms of laughter
New forms of learning
But still
Still missing
Love?
copyright 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
11/11
It's like an implosion
Of gaseous, liquid, and solid
Thought
And restless emotions
It's simultaneous
And heralded
Unwelcome
Because it is so
And I find myself transfixed
Focused
On every single passing minute
Of the experience
Digressing into myself
With the voracious desire
To exhale
I cannot seem to filter
Halt the absorption
Of such an extraneous
And sometimes alien force
Sights and sounds
Smells and tastes
And yet, all I feel
Is the calamity encasing my brain
Digressing into myself
With the unyielding hunger
To exhale
Intermittently
You appear and disappear
From all the amorphous, racing ideation
And I lose all control
Cannot deter the speed
At which it all travels
And travels out into the universe it does
Yet, I am indifferent
Towards almost all of it
So long as it is no longer captive within the lot of my intrinsic being
I can digress into myself
And finally
Finally
Finally
Exhale
copyright 2012
Of gaseous, liquid, and solid
Thought
And restless emotions
It's simultaneous
And heralded
Unwelcome
Because it is so
And I find myself transfixed
Focused
On every single passing minute
Of the experience
Digressing into myself
With the voracious desire
To exhale
I cannot seem to filter
Halt the absorption
Of such an extraneous
And sometimes alien force
Sights and sounds
Smells and tastes
And yet, all I feel
Is the calamity encasing my brain
Digressing into myself
With the unyielding hunger
To exhale
Intermittently
You appear and disappear
From all the amorphous, racing ideation
And I lose all control
Cannot deter the speed
At which it all travels
And travels out into the universe it does
Yet, I am indifferent
Towards almost all of it
So long as it is no longer captive within the lot of my intrinsic being
I can digress into myself
And finally
Finally
Finally
Exhale
copyright 2012
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Happy Anniversary...
Four years... Four WHOLE years today...
That's forty-eight months.
one-thousand-four-hundred-sixtydays
Thirty-five-thousand-and-forty hours later
Etcetera, etcetera
Four years ago, I thought I had reached my end. Four years ago, I could NEVER imagine where I would be four years later. Four years ago today, something happened that would change my life forever...
And even to this very day, at 22-years-of-age and being so far removed from all of the trauma that was exacted upon me, I still cannot seem to muster up enough gall to feel adequate enough for another human being.
I know... I've spoken of my troubles with "romance" umpteen times before in the past and in earlier posts. But I feel it's so necessary, because each time I do, it is as though I interpret it from another angle. When I sit here and type away all that ails me, I release that much more of the vexation I long to eradicate completely. And I know: "there is nothing more unattractive than someone with low self-esteem and confidence" and blah, blah, blah. I've heard it all before - you can keep it.
I'm ambivalent towards the idea that I could ever make you truly understand.
This piece of my past transcends beyond merely looking in the mirror and being happy with one's extrinsic self, though I cannot deny that it has vastly impacted how I view myself physically. Metaphysically, it brings into play a whole 'nother dimension that I wager many (that have experienced the same) are not comfortable discussing or exploring. But...I must face that fear if I am ever to conquer it. It doesn't daunt me any longer to talk about it...at least...not as much as it has in recent years.
But alas, it has been four years of amplified doubt. Fear. Tears. Pain. But above all else...
...rejection...
What's a bit humorous is that this denial and refusal stems from PHYSICAL interaction (but definitely a lack thereof) with other men. I cannot recollect all the times I've been dismissed by guys because of my past. We meet, talk in person, both completely aware of each other's intentions. The attraction is mutual until certain curtains are lifted. I can't begin to construe what that feels like - to be viewed as attractive one moment, then deemed undesirable the next in a matter of a single minute.
From there, well, I just beat a dead horse.
I fall into this frenzy of self-abasing statements, thoughts, and beliefs. I laugh at myself and feel so asinine for attempting to fill all the ugly voids with meaningless sexual advances and thinking that I actually could (though I will admit, infrequently, I have been successful). I laugh at myself, because if anything, I feel so undeserving.
But those successful affairs...they're the closest things I have to "romantic" affection. Twenty-two years later and still having never been on a date. Still never having been in a relationship or having some kind of boyfriend. Still never having known what this "love" is many speak of, always on the outside looking in.
It's a cycle. Trust me, I know this. It's been a constantly revolving wheel for years now. I've made sizable dents in it, and believe one day I will break it altogether.
I'm more apt to place myself out there in regards to sex (though not nearly as much as I did as a teenager). But I almost indisputably refuse to do the same in regards to romance. You're probably scratching your head: "If that is from where your problems arise, why continue to place yourself there?"
Hell, I catch myself scratching my own head sometimes.
Simply, I would much rather be cast aside for my past than for my personality and for my heart.
It is because most are inundated by the baggage I carry, I am led to believe that the surface is something I cannot convince others to permeate. Even typing this in this very moment, I am having difficulty verbalizing what it is I truly feel and am trying to allude. Agitation follows...
Deep breaths, Eric.
If I cannot convince another to still find me sexually attractive - appealing and interesting - after certain revelations, how can I expect someone else to do the same with my mind and heart after unveiling those same secrets? How the hell could I ever convince them to look deeper, if they cannot see beyond the superficial? If they are too afraid to touch me, why would they have any reason to touch my heart?
That still may be inconceivable to you, and I'm sorry.
The tears, they stream down my face from these big brown eyes...
My stomach's churning.
Sometimes I turn so red. And feel like I'm going to explode.
And adding insult to injury, I often question my physicality (and consequently stoop just a little bit lower), being surrounded and berated by perfection. Los Angeles boys: they're so pristine. How can I compete? How could I ever stand a chance?I don't with you. Especially with the kind of past I have. And it is because of this that I try to rely more on my intellect, my intelligence, and that big, beating muscle in my chest. Not only do I honestly find my worth within these things, I crave to be more internally attractive than externally. But being it that this is the city in which I live, boys couldn't give two shits about that. If I'm lacking physical appeal, I'm not going to pique other guys' interests enough to approach and get to know me. If they can't see it with their eyes, they won't see it with their minds.
"And [so] I wake up alone..."
You're probably reading this thinking I have some serious issues. And while that may or may not be the case, half-way or entirely, or maybe even not at all, when it all comes crashing down, I know I'm special.
Truthfully, I do. Because I know who I am, where I'm going, and what I have to offer. And I like to think that it's a pretty decent amount. Remove all that depreciates me and my level of confidence is actually pretty healthy.
And I will say, that if ever presented with the opportunity, I could make another boy's world bigger - change the way that he views it. If ever given the chance, I could show and make another boy feel the secrets of life. I could be the best thing to ever happen to him. Though we live on the physical plane, I could take him with me on a journey that delves deeper into the unseen capacities and really open his eyes to things he may have never believed in before. I would be the BEST boyfriend ever. As I've said: I know for a fact that I'm one-of-a-kind. One-in-a-trillion.
It's a shame I can't ever seem to intrigue another to believe the same...
Perhaps it really is more advantageous, to be all alone. No one can ever hurt you. "I may be damaged goods but I'm goods nonetheless."
Happy Anniversary.
Reki*
copyright 2012
That's forty-eight months.
one-thousand-four-hundred-sixty
Thirty-five-thousand-and-forty hours later
Etcetera, etcetera
Four years ago, I thought I had reached my end. Four years ago, I could NEVER imagine where I would be four years later. Four years ago today, something happened that would change my life forever...
And even to this very day, at 22-years-of-age and being so far removed from all of the trauma that was exacted upon me, I still cannot seem to muster up enough gall to feel adequate enough for another human being.
I know... I've spoken of my troubles with "romance" umpteen times before in the past and in earlier posts. But I feel it's so necessary, because each time I do, it is as though I interpret it from another angle. When I sit here and type away all that ails me, I release that much more of the vexation I long to eradicate completely. And I know: "there is nothing more unattractive than someone with low self-esteem and confidence" and blah, blah, blah. I've heard it all before - you can keep it.
I'm ambivalent towards the idea that I could ever make you truly understand.
This piece of my past transcends beyond merely looking in the mirror and being happy with one's extrinsic self, though I cannot deny that it has vastly impacted how I view myself physically. Metaphysically, it brings into play a whole 'nother dimension that I wager many (that have experienced the same) are not comfortable discussing or exploring. But...I must face that fear if I am ever to conquer it. It doesn't daunt me any longer to talk about it...at least...not as much as it has in recent years.
But alas, it has been four years of amplified doubt. Fear. Tears. Pain. But above all else...
...rejection...
What's a bit humorous is that this denial and refusal stems from PHYSICAL interaction (but definitely a lack thereof) with other men. I cannot recollect all the times I've been dismissed by guys because of my past. We meet, talk in person, both completely aware of each other's intentions. The attraction is mutual until certain curtains are lifted. I can't begin to construe what that feels like - to be viewed as attractive one moment, then deemed undesirable the next in a matter of a single minute.
From there, well, I just beat a dead horse.
I fall into this frenzy of self-abasing statements, thoughts, and beliefs. I laugh at myself and feel so asinine for attempting to fill all the ugly voids with meaningless sexual advances and thinking that I actually could (though I will admit, infrequently, I have been successful). I laugh at myself, because if anything, I feel so undeserving.
But those successful affairs...they're the closest things I have to "romantic" affection. Twenty-two years later and still having never been on a date. Still never having been in a relationship or having some kind of boyfriend. Still never having known what this "love" is many speak of, always on the outside looking in.
It's a cycle. Trust me, I know this. It's been a constantly revolving wheel for years now. I've made sizable dents in it, and believe one day I will break it altogether.
I'm more apt to place myself out there in regards to sex (though not nearly as much as I did as a teenager). But I almost indisputably refuse to do the same in regards to romance. You're probably scratching your head: "If that is from where your problems arise, why continue to place yourself there?"
Hell, I catch myself scratching my own head sometimes.
Simply, I would much rather be cast aside for my past than for my personality and for my heart.
It is because most are inundated by the baggage I carry, I am led to believe that the surface is something I cannot convince others to permeate. Even typing this in this very moment, I am having difficulty verbalizing what it is I truly feel and am trying to allude. Agitation follows...
Deep breaths, Eric.
If I cannot convince another to still find me sexually attractive - appealing and interesting - after certain revelations, how can I expect someone else to do the same with my mind and heart after unveiling those same secrets? How the hell could I ever convince them to look deeper, if they cannot see beyond the superficial? If they are too afraid to touch me, why would they have any reason to touch my heart?
That still may be inconceivable to you, and I'm sorry.
The tears, they stream down my face from these big brown eyes...
My stomach's churning.
Sometimes I turn so red. And feel like I'm going to explode.
And adding insult to injury, I often question my physicality (and consequently stoop just a little bit lower), being surrounded and berated by perfection. Los Angeles boys: they're so pristine. How can I compete? How could I ever stand a chance?
"And [so] I wake up alone..."
You're probably reading this thinking I have some serious issues. And while that may or may not be the case, half-way or entirely, or maybe even not at all, when it all comes crashing down, I know I'm special.
Truthfully, I do. Because I know who I am, where I'm going, and what I have to offer. And I like to think that it's a pretty decent amount. Remove all that depreciates me and my level of confidence is actually pretty healthy.
And I will say, that if ever presented with the opportunity, I could make another boy's world bigger - change the way that he views it. If ever given the chance, I could show and make another boy feel the secrets of life. I could be the best thing to ever happen to him. Though we live on the physical plane, I could take him with me on a journey that delves deeper into the unseen capacities and really open his eyes to things he may have never believed in before. I would be the BEST boyfriend ever. As I've said: I know for a fact that I'm one-of-a-kind. One-in-a-trillion.
It's a shame I can't ever seem to intrigue another to believe the same...
Perhaps it really is more advantageous, to be all alone. No one can ever hurt you. "I may be damaged goods but I'm goods nonetheless."
Happy Anniversary.
Reki*
copyright 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
To Dance Again...
I am NOT afraid of you.
I've said it once, and I will continue to say it till the day I die...till the day that you go away forever. I am so much stronger than you, never question. And although sometimes I give into you and you make me feel so worthless afterward, I CANNOT be stopped. I WILL NOT allow you to defeat me.
Addictions: they can be monstrous. They can snatch away everything you have, right from under your feet. Me? Not only has this taken place in the past, but I've been dealing with/coping with/analyzing/tapering my implied addiction for about six whole years now. And even to this day, I find that it still has the dexterity to trump me every now and then.
Last Thursday, I made the decision to act on something that I mostly intuited would bring me to angst, disgust, remorse, and contrition (and it indeed did), though I emphatically state that I do not regret a single thing from my past...that is, once I (get) over(come) it. HOWEVER, what I find to be irritating is the amount of regret I feel IN THIS MOMENT and whilst dealing with the repercussions of the situation and my mindless actions from that day. I abhor the amount of grief and heartache I endure and ultimately place upon my own self for even permitting what is a shrinking but still potentially threatening problem to play itself out. It angers me that when placed in a predicament - whether self-induced or not - that I even have to talk myself though my "options," already having dealt with this in previous months and knowing right from wrong. I should already know that the answer is NO. You would think that after all this time and all that has happened to me that I would have learned my lesson...
And sometimes, to be quite honest...
I feel so powerless...
...and it just gets the better of me. It takes over. And in spite of feeling as if there is even a pound of willpower that can resist - because I know it's there - I feel as though at times it is all too miniscule to fend off temptation; I still need assistance in transforming that pound into a ton. And so I continue to seek help where I can find it. I suppose it was a bit naïve to believe that my addiction withered away entirely in Missouri. Maybe it was wishful thinking.
Those of you with addictions may be able to relate, especially those able to admit that they have a problem and are attempting to correct it. When you've come as far as I have, and STILL, you allow yourself to fall victim to a depraved behavior/action/etc. that you know can/will cause you to take unnecessary steps back, steps you should have already taken so that you can move FORWARD, nothing feels more dreadful than conceding that addiction to carry out its will, KNOWING THAT YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN IT.
And that's really just it. Why?
What's worse is the lack of emotion that follows. As masochistic as it sounds, I'm partial to affliction than to indifference. When pain is channeled though my being as a result of my aforementioned idiocy, I am able to appreciate the good even more (but that doesn't mean the pain doesn't suck).
On the flipside, when I feel dispassion, I feel completely detached from my own mind and to a small extent, my soul. I am deprived. Nothing excites me, nothing hurts me, inspires me. And THAT is one of THE WORST experiences ever: to not feel inspired. Because to me, inspiration and living are synonymous.
Do you understand the gravity of my problem? haha? :/
This cycle MUST be broken. I will do everything in my power to ensure that it is. As much as I need to focus on my music and career/future, I need to pave the way using my maturity and intelligence to alleviate this problem once and for all.
This will never go without saying, that because I have been in this quandary before and ALWAYS come out on top, I can and WILL do it again. And although my moods swing up and down throughout the day, at the end of it all, my precious intuition assures me that not only is it my duty to stay here in Los Angeles and to deal with it here, but that I WILL get past it. It's imminent. And I believe. As much as it pangs me now, I know that in due time, I will look back on this and be better off. I am getting my fairy tale back. I'm reclaiming what is rightfully mine, and I will never hand it over so submissively again.
I may feel apathy towards feeling worse and feeling better now (and that is subject to change for better or worse), but that is besides the point. I'm punching and tearing my way through the impediment I bury myself under so that I can release myself from all that makes me "normal" - because that is what it does to me (when I act out on it). My addiction makes me a normal person. And I am not normal.
So if you're going through the same hardship, just know that there are SO many of us out there that are going through it too. And that there are even MORE of us that have overcome it. It may strike your heart with agony and strife, but keep faith alive and a positive attitude that this will come to pass. You are NEVER alone. So smile.
And always remember...
You will live.
You will love.
You will dance again.
I am NOT afraid of you...
Reki*
copyright 2012
I've said it once, and I will continue to say it till the day I die...till the day that you go away forever. I am so much stronger than you, never question. And although sometimes I give into you and you make me feel so worthless afterward, I CANNOT be stopped. I WILL NOT allow you to defeat me.
Addictions: they can be monstrous. They can snatch away everything you have, right from under your feet. Me? Not only has this taken place in the past, but I've been dealing with/coping with/analyzing/tapering my implied addiction for about six whole years now. And even to this day, I find that it still has the dexterity to trump me every now and then.
Last Thursday, I made the decision to act on something that I mostly intuited would bring me to angst, disgust, remorse, and contrition (and it indeed did), though I emphatically state that I do not regret a single thing from my past...that is, once I (get) over(come) it. HOWEVER, what I find to be irritating is the amount of regret I feel IN THIS MOMENT and whilst dealing with the repercussions of the situation and my mindless actions from that day. I abhor the amount of grief and heartache I endure and ultimately place upon my own self for even permitting what is a shrinking but still potentially threatening problem to play itself out. It angers me that when placed in a predicament - whether self-induced or not - that I even have to talk myself though my "options," already having dealt with this in previous months and knowing right from wrong. I should already know that the answer is NO. You would think that after all this time and all that has happened to me that I would have learned my lesson...
And sometimes, to be quite honest...
I feel so powerless...
...and it just gets the better of me. It takes over. And in spite of feeling as if there is even a pound of willpower that can resist - because I know it's there - I feel as though at times it is all too miniscule to fend off temptation; I still need assistance in transforming that pound into a ton. And so I continue to seek help where I can find it. I suppose it was a bit naïve to believe that my addiction withered away entirely in Missouri. Maybe it was wishful thinking.
Those of you with addictions may be able to relate, especially those able to admit that they have a problem and are attempting to correct it. When you've come as far as I have, and STILL, you allow yourself to fall victim to a depraved behavior/action/etc. that you know can/will cause you to take unnecessary steps back, steps you should have already taken so that you can move FORWARD, nothing feels more dreadful than conceding that addiction to carry out its will, KNOWING THAT YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN IT.
And that's really just it. Why?
What's worse is the lack of emotion that follows. As masochistic as it sounds, I'm partial to affliction than to indifference. When pain is channeled though my being as a result of my aforementioned idiocy, I am able to appreciate the good even more (but that doesn't mean the pain doesn't suck).
On the flipside, when I feel dispassion, I feel completely detached from my own mind and to a small extent, my soul. I am deprived. Nothing excites me, nothing hurts me, inspires me. And THAT is one of THE WORST experiences ever: to not feel inspired. Because to me, inspiration and living are synonymous.
Do you understand the gravity of my problem? haha? :/
This cycle MUST be broken. I will do everything in my power to ensure that it is. As much as I need to focus on my music and career/future, I need to pave the way using my maturity and intelligence to alleviate this problem once and for all.
This will never go without saying, that because I have been in this quandary before and ALWAYS come out on top, I can and WILL do it again. And although my moods swing up and down throughout the day, at the end of it all, my precious intuition assures me that not only is it my duty to stay here in Los Angeles and to deal with it here, but that I WILL get past it. It's imminent. And I believe. As much as it pangs me now, I know that in due time, I will look back on this and be better off. I am getting my fairy tale back. I'm reclaiming what is rightfully mine, and I will never hand it over so submissively again.
I may feel apathy towards feeling worse and feeling better now (and that is subject to change for better or worse), but that is besides the point. I'm punching and tearing my way through the impediment I bury myself under so that I can release myself from all that makes me "normal" - because that is what it does to me (when I act out on it). My addiction makes me a normal person. And I am not normal.
So if you're going through the same hardship, just know that there are SO many of us out there that are going through it too. And that there are even MORE of us that have overcome it. It may strike your heart with agony and strife, but keep faith alive and a positive attitude that this will come to pass. You are NEVER alone. So smile.
And always remember...
You will live.
You will love.
You will dance again.
I am NOT afraid of you...
Reki*
copyright 2012
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Recent Work
Hollywood
My, what a first couple of weeks it's been
But this journey
I am enjoying every minute of it
Good and bad
Because I'm so ready
Grown
And mature
I look forward to all the lessons that reside here
And all the dreams breathed into life
Simply waiting to come true
Beacuse I'm lacking nothing
This entire city
This dear world
And this whole universe
Belong to me
All that is required of me
Is that I go forth and conquer
Do it with a smile
A wink
And a tiny seed of faith
That has grown into a beautiful tree
So sturdy
Strong
Unyielding
Lights
Camera
Action
Just Say It
I must have done something wrong
How upsetting
I was really looking forward to becoming friends with you
And laughing some more
Laughing a whole lot more
Upon meeting new people for the first time
I find more often than not
They formulate the wrong idea of me
And who I am
For whatever reason
It wouldn't bother me so much
If they were to remain strangers
And I suppose I have no choice
I haven't felt like this since I was a little boy
Feeling conditional
Conditional among the very few friends I've made
Feeling flimsy
Residing in that undesirable "grey area"
And the middle ground
With hardly an ounce of redemption at my beck and call
And so I'm stuck
It scares me
The prospect of trusting such people
Because I hardly have anyone else out here
At the moment
What a fool I still must be
For speaking my unfiltered, alcoholic thoughts
Excuse my immaturity
I don't know why I said it
But I know it shouldn't be dissected
And if it does
- Wait
It obviously has
At least muster up the manhood to ask me
Instead of shun me entirely
So I gave him a compliment
Yes, I said I thought you were hysterical
Not too rough on the eyes
Get over it
I could say the same about a dozen different guys
Girls, even
I can feel the shift
The variance in your energy
In terms of my character
So just say it
Tell me you're not sure what to think
At least it'll give me something to work with
Or maybe I should just let it go entirely
Because I know I can do it all on my own
It would just make it harder
Lonelier
But so be it
Why waste everyone's time
Lingering around where I am not wanted?
Just say it
Just say it
And I'll go...
Butterflies
I feel as though I should be just a tiny bit worried
By the simple notion
Fact
That in spite of what my mind is telling me
My heart directs my body to keep going
Searching for opportunity
And new places
Because I know I'm gonna find something
Regardless of if I trip over it
Or it "falls into my lap"
Because I'm working for it either way
And I feel so weightless
My heart beats so fast it flutters
I can't help but smile
And be thankful
Because I've never been happier
I'm slowly beginning to take off
DO
Sometimes all we really need
Is to let go of the fear
To quit over-thinking
And questioning
And simply do it
Even in this moment
I find that my thoughts
And emotions conflict
But my heart
Well
It just keeps beating
And for the same reasons it has been
For all these years
The ultimate leap of faith
An attempt
A story written
To really shoot for the stars
Aiming at the galaxies
Believing nonetheless
Because I know I can
And I will
So here I go
Unafraid to admit my occasional doubt
But strong enough
And BRAVE enough
To overcome it
And that is exactly what I'm doing
To Happen
Something
Is waiting
Here I go
Go Ahead & Try
So much to say
So much took place
So much
In almost no time at all
And my god how rough it all was
But we are TOUGH
Little dreamers
BIG believers
And nothing
No one
Can stop us
Me
Zacharias ≥ Heaven
There is nothing in this world
That I wouldn't do for you
Or that could separate us
Though distance and time appear to be larger than what we think
They are irrelevant to the beat of my heart
And how much I love you
And how this past week
Was the longest of my life
Though that would not stop me
I'd do it all over again
Because it would be with you
One more week
With you
Querido Uno (Otra Vez)
Over two years later and look where we are now...
Thank you
Blow the Whistle
I can feel it almost every single time I open my mouth
Just how much I hold back
When I sing
Fearful, almost
Of "being too loud"
Or too flawed
And imperfect
Very seldom do I grant myself the freedom
To push my limits
Though I attempt in my normal settings
Much is still calculated
And I am reluctant to do so
Due to the ears
And opinions
Of those behind
And on the other side of the wall
I look forward
To the day
That I can
And that I just lose myself in my voice
Entirely
Worries evaporate
Anxieties disintegrate
And I become
I evolve
Songbird
Let Go
I hate that I can't figure this out
And right now
Like it's all one HUGE paradox
I need to write
Say
Though my soul knows
There is nothing to articulate
But then again, there is
Though I shouldn't
I do
But I refrain
Perhaps it's all too complex to understand
Something I shouldn't even attempt
But I can't help it
And You know that
I just can't help myself
So I'll just ask You to help me out
And let go
Like I should
Like You told me
So here marks the end of my anxieties
Over nothing in particular
But so specific to my mind
And closer
And closer
Creeping up to my heart
Skeleton's Key
I feel blockaded from my own emotions
As if the mere reason I've been writing about nothing
And repeating myself
Is because I can't get through
I want to write something so raw
Stripped
Personal
That maybe by writing and writing
And writing
I'll eventually dig down
All the way down to the core
And get there
But I don't know why I'm stuck
Idle
Bored, even
And unamused
So help me out
And throw me a bone
If not the whole skeleton
Frustration
I told myself I'd go with the flow
But I revert to old habits
And fill voids
Where there should be meaning
With empty sexual advances
A temporary remedy
For what seems to be such a permanent problem
And even after all these years
I can't fix it
I can't fix me
And every single day
I just feel like I'm the only one
Like it's always been like that
And I guess that part of life
Is learning how to cope with
And adapt to situations
And in this case
I have too much work ahead of me
Perfect Science
Sometimes I wish you could just see me
And the way my mind screams
Obscenities
Profanities
Self-deprecating
Degrading myself over boys
And boys
And more boys
I find myself in seclusion
Physically within reach
But emotionally
Mentally disassociated
And somewhere else entirely
It's not that I don't love myself
It's that I'm not sure I know how to let another
Still find myself
Myself -
It's always about me, isn't it?
I don't even really know why
But I just keep going
And going
And going
And a day at the races
Is becoming a life of inconsistency
Perhaps the only constant
Normalcy
It's all that it's very abnormal
I'm aware
But unfazed
And why should I be?
It doesn't ever seem to change
No True Purpose (Perfect Circles)
I shouldn't write about you
Bring it up anymore
Because it serves no true purpose
And does me no good
If anything
If I just never heard from you again
I'd more than likely be better off
But I guess I like to hurt myself
Give myself false hope
Wishful thinking
And maybe I shouldn't be so wrapped up
Because I've known from the first "hello"
Just where this would all end
And it has
Not so much by fate
But by force
My force
And I can't go back
Because it wouldn't ever work
I haven't tried
But you probably won't let me
So that's it
I can't change it
Don't see any other way
Going in circles
And repeating myself
Writing about you
When it serves me no true purpose
copyright 2012
My, what a first couple of weeks it's been
But this journey
I am enjoying every minute of it
Good and bad
Because I'm so ready
Grown
And mature
I look forward to all the lessons that reside here
And all the dreams breathed into life
Simply waiting to come true
Beacuse I'm lacking nothing
This entire city
This dear world
And this whole universe
Belong to me
All that is required of me
Is that I go forth and conquer
Do it with a smile
A wink
And a tiny seed of faith
That has grown into a beautiful tree
So sturdy
Strong
Unyielding
Lights
Camera
Action
Just Say It
I must have done something wrong
How upsetting
I was really looking forward to becoming friends with you
And laughing some more
Laughing a whole lot more
Upon meeting new people for the first time
I find more often than not
They formulate the wrong idea of me
And who I am
For whatever reason
It wouldn't bother me so much
If they were to remain strangers
And I suppose I have no choice
I haven't felt like this since I was a little boy
Feeling conditional
Conditional among the very few friends I've made
Feeling flimsy
Residing in that undesirable "grey area"
And the middle ground
With hardly an ounce of redemption at my beck and call
And so I'm stuck
It scares me
The prospect of trusting such people
Because I hardly have anyone else out here
At the moment
What a fool I still must be
For speaking my unfiltered, alcoholic thoughts
Excuse my immaturity
I don't know why I said it
But I know it shouldn't be dissected
And if it does
- Wait
It obviously has
At least muster up the manhood to ask me
Instead of shun me entirely
So I gave him a compliment
Yes, I said I thought you were hysterical
Not too rough on the eyes
Get over it
I could say the same about a dozen different guys
Girls, even
I can feel the shift
The variance in your energy
In terms of my character
So just say it
Tell me you're not sure what to think
At least it'll give me something to work with
Or maybe I should just let it go entirely
Because I know I can do it all on my own
It would just make it harder
Lonelier
But so be it
Why waste everyone's time
Lingering around where I am not wanted?
Just say it
Just say it
And I'll go...
Butterflies
I feel as though I should be just a tiny bit worried
By the simple notion
Fact
That in spite of what my mind is telling me
My heart directs my body to keep going
Searching for opportunity
And new places
Because I know I'm gonna find something
Regardless of if I trip over it
Or it "falls into my lap"
Because I'm working for it either way
And I feel so weightless
My heart beats so fast it flutters
I can't help but smile
And be thankful
Because I've never been happier
I'm slowly beginning to take off
DO
Sometimes all we really need
Is to let go of the fear
To quit over-thinking
And questioning
And simply do it
Even in this moment
I find that my thoughts
And emotions conflict
But my heart
Well
It just keeps beating
And for the same reasons it has been
For all these years
The ultimate leap of faith
An attempt
A story written
To really shoot for the stars
Aiming at the galaxies
Believing nonetheless
Because I know I can
And I will
So here I go
Unafraid to admit my occasional doubt
But strong enough
And BRAVE enough
To overcome it
And that is exactly what I'm doing
To Happen
Something
Is waiting
Here I go
Go Ahead & Try
So much to say
So much took place
So much
In almost no time at all
And my god how rough it all was
But we are TOUGH
Little dreamers
BIG believers
And nothing
No one
Can stop us
Me
Zacharias ≥ Heaven
There is nothing in this world
That I wouldn't do for you
Or that could separate us
Though distance and time appear to be larger than what we think
They are irrelevant to the beat of my heart
And how much I love you
And how this past week
Was the longest of my life
Though that would not stop me
I'd do it all over again
Because it would be with you
One more week
With you
Querido Uno (Otra Vez)
Over two years later and look where we are now...
Thank you
Blow the Whistle
I can feel it almost every single time I open my mouth
Just how much I hold back
When I sing
Fearful, almost
Of "being too loud"
Or too flawed
And imperfect
Very seldom do I grant myself the freedom
To push my limits
Though I attempt in my normal settings
Much is still calculated
And I am reluctant to do so
Due to the ears
And opinions
Of those behind
And on the other side of the wall
I look forward
To the day
That I can
And that I just lose myself in my voice
Entirely
Worries evaporate
Anxieties disintegrate
And I become
I evolve
Songbird
Let Go
I hate that I can't figure this out
And right now
Like it's all one HUGE paradox
I need to write
Say
Though my soul knows
There is nothing to articulate
But then again, there is
Though I shouldn't
I do
But I refrain
Perhaps it's all too complex to understand
Something I shouldn't even attempt
But I can't help it
And You know that
I just can't help myself
So I'll just ask You to help me out
And let go
Like I should
Like You told me
So here marks the end of my anxieties
Over nothing in particular
But so specific to my mind
And closer
And closer
Creeping up to my heart
Skeleton's Key
I feel blockaded from my own emotions
As if the mere reason I've been writing about nothing
And repeating myself
Is because I can't get through
I want to write something so raw
Stripped
Personal
That maybe by writing and writing
And writing
I'll eventually dig down
All the way down to the core
And get there
But I don't know why I'm stuck
Idle
Bored, even
And unamused
So help me out
And throw me a bone
If not the whole skeleton
Frustration
I told myself I'd go with the flow
But I revert to old habits
And fill voids
Where there should be meaning
With empty sexual advances
A temporary remedy
For what seems to be such a permanent problem
And even after all these years
I can't fix it
I can't fix me
And every single day
I just feel like I'm the only one
Like it's always been like that
And I guess that part of life
Is learning how to cope with
And adapt to situations
And in this case
I have too much work ahead of me
Perfect Science
Sometimes I wish you could just see me
And the way my mind screams
Obscenities
Profanities
Self-deprecating
Degrading myself over boys
And boys
And more boys
I find myself in seclusion
Physically within reach
But emotionally
Mentally disassociated
And somewhere else entirely
It's not that I don't love myself
It's that I'm not sure I know how to let another
Still find myself
Myself -
It's always about me, isn't it?
I don't even really know why
But I just keep going
And going
And going
And a day at the races
Is becoming a life of inconsistency
Perhaps the only constant
Normalcy
It's all that it's very abnormal
I'm aware
But unfazed
And why should I be?
It doesn't ever seem to change
No True Purpose (Perfect Circles)
I shouldn't write about you
Bring it up anymore
Because it serves no true purpose
And does me no good
If anything
If I just never heard from you again
I'd more than likely be better off
But I guess I like to hurt myself
Give myself false hope
Wishful thinking
And maybe I shouldn't be so wrapped up
Because I've known from the first "hello"
Just where this would all end
And it has
Not so much by fate
But by force
My force
And I can't go back
Because it wouldn't ever work
I haven't tried
But you probably won't let me
So that's it
I can't change it
Don't see any other way
Going in circles
And repeating myself
Writing about you
When it serves me no true purpose
copyright 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Don't Make Me Laugh
I feel like I have so much to say
But no real way to say it
Nothing sensible
Important
Just a whole lot of emotions
And no way to sort them
Organize them
Rid myself of them
How is it that I manage to get so lost?
So lost in all of it?
Sometimes I feel the damage has long since settled
Past irreversible
Though I may not want to undo it
I just wish I knew how to speak
Speak of it
For me, no
For everyone else, most certainly
Because I know what I mean
And intend
Though others ask more questions than they get answers
Second nature fuses with the basic
And primary
And the end result
Is something I cannot efficiently express
The frustration builds
And like a child
I am a frenzy
Intrinsically
So fearful of exhibiting all my irrationalities
Accusations
Excuses
And shortcomings
Because I remind myself of them all the time
Coming from someone that matters
Could
Would be enough to do me in entirely
Why do you do it?
Why do you do that to me?
And why would your answer even possess merit?
Value?
Credibility?
When I become a completely different person
Every time we talk
This innocence
Ignorance, moreover
Is blinding
Deafening
Crippling
And I can't get past it
So fuck you and your games
Because I don't lose in life
And for you to think I'd start now
Provides me with a cheap laugh
So go on with yourself
Jester
Comedian
Funny guy
You're so damn funny, aren't you?
copyright 2012
But no real way to say it
Nothing sensible
Important
Just a whole lot of emotions
And no way to sort them
Organize them
Rid myself of them
How is it that I manage to get so lost?
So lost in all of it?
Sometimes I feel the damage has long since settled
Past irreversible
Though I may not want to undo it
I just wish I knew how to speak
Speak of it
For me, no
For everyone else, most certainly
Because I know what I mean
And intend
Though others ask more questions than they get answers
Second nature fuses with the basic
And primary
And the end result
Is something I cannot efficiently express
The frustration builds
And like a child
I am a frenzy
Intrinsically
So fearful of exhibiting all my irrationalities
Accusations
Excuses
And shortcomings
Because I remind myself of them all the time
Coming from someone that matters
Could
Would be enough to do me in entirely
Why do you do it?
Why do you do that to me?
And why would your answer even possess merit?
Value?
Credibility?
When I become a completely different person
Every time we talk
This innocence
Ignorance, moreover
Is blinding
Deafening
Crippling
And I can't get past it
So fuck you and your games
Because I don't lose in life
And for you to think I'd start now
Provides me with a cheap laugh
So go on with yourself
Jester
Comedian
Funny guy
You're so damn funny, aren't you?
copyright 2012
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Sagacity: We Are All a Little Supernatural
Intuition: It is a very powerful, yet mysterious component of the human psyche. Though many of us can somewhat fathom how it works (be that it is a challenge to explain), I haven't encountered many people that question its origins or why we possess such a mystical tool.
First and foremost, it has been established that every person on the face of the planet is instilled with intuition, the same way we are all endowed with a brain and heart. Some think that it just is, while others such as myself have found methods to sharpen, harness, and utilize it to its maximum capabilities (though it is always growing and refining itself, infinitely). I have discovered through my own personal experiences, that intuition, when used in the correct manner, is meant to guide us to our utmost potential; to achieve our destiny through alignment of fate with our destiny (and I'll get into that subject in a different post). That is the "why" portion of the question as to why we have it.
Within a period of years, I have scrupulously delved into what seems to be such an elusive, inexplicable part of the human experience, and where it comes from.
And by means of simplification (though not to insult your intelligence), I'll give you an encompassing example: have you ever had one of those moments when you just "knew" or "felt" something, almost as if foretelling, and you couldn't completely explain it, but it all came to be? "I KNEW IT!" we all say. It's "that feeling" you get, wherever it may come from (because it is derivative of many physical places in the body), that something is about to or will unfold, without ever needing (or being able to present) concrete evidence. Well, I believe that the primary reason we contain a seemingly god-like perception inside of our bodies is because it is indeed GOD itself/Himself/whatever you believe that is within us.
I truly believe that when we, as individuals, are conceived, and the energies of the universe (God included) are in the process of creating every part of us, there are fragments of God itself/Himself that it/He gives to us. One of which being that because we are created in "His image," we are imparted with divine virtue (the blueprints of every human soul, grafted from the beginning as complete because there is good in everyone, though as we grow older, become negatively influenced by the extrinsic world. In short, babies are unadulterated). Alongside divine virtue, intuition is another little piece of God that resonates within our bodies, a gift given by God itself/Himself. Metaphorically and literally, though not physically in its entirety, we are crafted in "His image."
I'll give that some time to simmer and marinate...
Okay, moving on.
In correlation to the commentary above, one must understand that at the end of the day, we are still human. Our intuition is not ALWAYS 100% accurate. As I've stated before: in theory, no one could ever truly be God, making us fallible. And that is what separates us from the All-Knowing, All-Seeing Being. HOWEVER, because we are deliberately made in "HIS IMAGE," we still have the ability to transcend into our own higher consciousness and attain knowledge on even higher planes, whether it be about life in general, how events will come to pass, or how to follow the road to your destiny. And it is here that I have ascertained that intuition comes from various places inside the body.
The Gut (also known as The Soul, for the spiritual people): This, from what I can attest, is where intuition is strongest, most reliable, and at its purest form. The gut is the center of every person's body. (The Soul is abstract.)
The Heart: Intuition, here, still contains exponential and unbelievable power, though many times it can become tainted by one's own desires, causing its constancy to somewhat or even detrimentally derail. The heart is located in the chest, which is a little off-center in comparison to the gut.
The Mind: Because instinct mostly occupies the mind, it is here that intuition can become a bit deceptive, for lack of a better term, and the two become hard to distinguish at times. And because we use our minds to make sense of the world around us, it is here that one can begin to question themself completely. Intuition, in the mind, has some significance, but lacks credibility compared to its counterparts. The mind is located in the head, which, as we all know, is at the very top of the body and completely unbalanced in comparison to where intuition should be (the gut).
Some people claim that instinct and intuition are interchangeable, when in reality, they are pretty discrepant. Instinct contains reason, or logic. Intuition simply is. We have a number of specific instincts, just as animals do. A bear's instinct for the winter is to hibernate. There is a scientific explanation as to why it does so. Look up intuition, and like this, the closest you'll get to solid ground is theory. It's a matter of faith. And being brave enough to believe.
Lastly, when one has surpassed limitations by means of unspecific catalysts, intuition is employed to its maximum capacity (at that/those very moment[s], because it is always growing and refining itself). When one has surpassed (earthly) limitations, one is able to use intuition from every part of their superficial (and astral/soul/spiritual) body: The Gut/Soul, The Heart, and The Mind. And they (separate intuitions) are all in perfect alignment (thus, work as one and unlock parts of us we had not known of prior). These parts of the human body (gut, heart, mind) are physically in alignment for a reason - it's not a coincidence.
And this, this is where I am now. When I speak about my future, my intuition from every part of my body is within perfect alignment and is ringing. It is so omnipotent, beyond many other's comprehension other than my own. My gut/soul, heart, and mind ALL want it, can feel it, know it.
This does not go without saying, that all of this power is within one's grasp, if they are willing to believe. And have faith. To believe in something one cannot totally understand, for science does not always accommodate answers we can all agree on.
"It's not faith if you're using your eyes."
Reki*
copyright 2012
First and foremost, it has been established that every person on the face of the planet is instilled with intuition, the same way we are all endowed with a brain and heart. Some think that it just is, while others such as myself have found methods to sharpen, harness, and utilize it to its maximum capabilities (though it is always growing and refining itself, infinitely). I have discovered through my own personal experiences, that intuition, when used in the correct manner, is meant to guide us to our utmost potential; to achieve our destiny through alignment of fate with our destiny (and I'll get into that subject in a different post). That is the "why" portion of the question as to why we have it.
Within a period of years, I have scrupulously delved into what seems to be such an elusive, inexplicable part of the human experience, and where it comes from.
And by means of simplification (though not to insult your intelligence), I'll give you an encompassing example: have you ever had one of those moments when you just "knew" or "felt" something, almost as if foretelling, and you couldn't completely explain it, but it all came to be? "I KNEW IT!" we all say. It's "that feeling" you get, wherever it may come from (because it is derivative of many physical places in the body), that something is about to or will unfold, without ever needing (or being able to present) concrete evidence. Well, I believe that the primary reason we contain a seemingly god-like perception inside of our bodies is because it is indeed GOD itself/Himself/whatever you believe that is within us.
I truly believe that when we, as individuals, are conceived, and the energies of the universe (God included) are in the process of creating every part of us, there are fragments of God itself/Himself that it/He gives to us. One of which being that because we are created in "His image," we are imparted with divine virtue (the blueprints of every human soul, grafted from the beginning as complete because there is good in everyone, though as we grow older, become negatively influenced by the extrinsic world. In short, babies are unadulterated). Alongside divine virtue, intuition is another little piece of God that resonates within our bodies, a gift given by God itself/Himself. Metaphorically and literally, though not physically in its entirety, we are crafted in "His image."
I'll give that some time to simmer and marinate...
Okay, moving on.
In correlation to the commentary above, one must understand that at the end of the day, we are still human. Our intuition is not ALWAYS 100% accurate. As I've stated before: in theory, no one could ever truly be God, making us fallible. And that is what separates us from the All-Knowing, All-Seeing Being. HOWEVER, because we are deliberately made in "HIS IMAGE," we still have the ability to transcend into our own higher consciousness and attain knowledge on even higher planes, whether it be about life in general, how events will come to pass, or how to follow the road to your destiny. And it is here that I have ascertained that intuition comes from various places inside the body.
The Gut (also known as The Soul, for the spiritual people): This, from what I can attest, is where intuition is strongest, most reliable, and at its purest form. The gut is the center of every person's body. (The Soul is abstract.)
The Heart: Intuition, here, still contains exponential and unbelievable power, though many times it can become tainted by one's own desires, causing its constancy to somewhat or even detrimentally derail. The heart is located in the chest, which is a little off-center in comparison to the gut.
The Mind: Because instinct mostly occupies the mind, it is here that intuition can become a bit deceptive, for lack of a better term, and the two become hard to distinguish at times. And because we use our minds to make sense of the world around us, it is here that one can begin to question themself completely. Intuition, in the mind, has some significance, but lacks credibility compared to its counterparts. The mind is located in the head, which, as we all know, is at the very top of the body and completely unbalanced in comparison to where intuition should be (the gut).
Some people claim that instinct and intuition are interchangeable, when in reality, they are pretty discrepant. Instinct contains reason, or logic. Intuition simply is. We have a number of specific instincts, just as animals do. A bear's instinct for the winter is to hibernate. There is a scientific explanation as to why it does so. Look up intuition, and like this, the closest you'll get to solid ground is theory. It's a matter of faith. And being brave enough to believe.
Lastly, when one has surpassed limitations by means of unspecific catalysts, intuition is employed to its maximum capacity (at that/those very moment[s], because it is always growing and refining itself). When one has surpassed (earthly) limitations, one is able to use intuition from every part of their superficial (and astral/soul/spiritual) body: The Gut/Soul, The Heart, and The Mind. And they (separate intuitions) are all in perfect alignment (thus, work as one and unlock parts of us we had not known of prior). These parts of the human body (gut, heart, mind) are physically in alignment for a reason - it's not a coincidence.
And this, this is where I am now. When I speak about my future, my intuition from every part of my body is within perfect alignment and is ringing. It is so omnipotent, beyond many other's comprehension other than my own. My gut/soul, heart, and mind ALL want it, can feel it, know it.
This does not go without saying, that all of this power is within one's grasp, if they are willing to believe. And have faith. To believe in something one cannot totally understand, for science does not always accommodate answers we can all agree on.
"It's not faith if you're using your eyes."
Reki*
copyright 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
EUREKA!
perfection
noun
1. the state or quality of being or becoming perfect.
It has almost become firm, this conviction of mine, that perfection - the idea of it, the concept of it, its abstract and concrete form, etc. - DOES IN FACT EXIST... somewhere in this world, if not this universe...
Allow me to explain myself:
Balance is one of the ultimate laws of the universe. Balance is utilized as a means to distinguish between things; I use it as a means to appreciate the good, because I know how bad things can get. And without it, the world as we know it would either cease to exist or simply not exist in the manner in which we, for the most part, have always perceived it (which I cannot even begin to try and wrap my mind around).
Think about it: the color white occurs, because there is a total absence of black, and vice versa. We know what white is, because black exists. Black, the diametrical opposite of white, subsists.
Life and death. Happiness and sadness. Exhilaration and pain. So on and so on and so on. One without the other supports the notion that the world, ingenuously, is not. It's not only law, but common knowledge to even the most austere minds.
And so I find myself questioning WHERE--or WHAT, is this perfection? People are constantly bombarding others/myself with the argument that nothing and no one is absolute; and that it not only is merely an idea, but an idea that transforms from person to person. So, if that truly is the case, how can we know what imperfection is, whether it is abstract or concrete? Why should I believe the general consensus that perfection is a façade? Why should I feel like I'm unhinged if someone declares whole-heartedly that perfection is illegitimate, because our Creator says it is (don't quote me on that)? Or because our Creator is the only "thing" that is (quote me on that)? I believe God is transcendent. But I also believe that He instilled in His creations the same capacity (though no one could ever really, even in theory, BE God). And another thing: How can people agree on the definition of imperfection, if their interpretation of perfection differs between them? (I ask this deviating from the textbook rendering, because that official definition is what this entry focuses on, what I question.)
I suppose most people leave it to rest when the answer "GOD" is given. But I am a curious person with strong inquisition and an insatiable desire to KNOW. And to know beyond what those around me teach me.
I've encountered a plethora of people that have since tried to annotate that because something is so imperfect, it is perfect. And although I can definitely relate, when I set aside human emotions and faith, and the human logistics begin to arise, I then conclude that that assertion does not add up (LOGISTICALLY, though I am not dismissing its weight in the least - because it's true, when concerning faith).
With everything I have learned thus far in my 21 years, I deduce that I have experienced and even lived perfection (or come close [Summer of '08 FOREVER]), as heinous as that may come off to many of you. I also dare to conjecture that perfection not only exists, but can be experienced through anyone in any way, shape, or form. I may have lived perfection at one point (and I am not referring to character), but I'm sure countless of you reading this have tasted it. Smelt it. Felt it. Heard it. Seen it... (regardless of if you realize it or not.)
And that is where I fumble; I believe I have, but I am not entirely incontestable. Because I know what I know now, I was not able to look at my life then, objectively and from a third-person point of view, and analyze just how much really was impeccable...until it was all over. Though I am positive it is possible, I do not know how to go back in time and discern whether or not my hypothesis is valid or not.
However, that is not the point. What I am attempting to make sense of, is that aside from all the negative connotations attached to the word itself, I do believe that perfection truly exists (which is actually a good thing). And I wanna find it (again?), whether it be in my career, a time in my life, an experience/experiences...or a person...
This post is not meant to coax you to believe as I do. It really is just a methodical way of me releasing these meticulous thoughts of mine into the universe in hopes that something will come back. And if YOU, the reader, keep an open mind, I'm sure in time, something along the same lines will come your way as well.
Reki*
copyright 2012
noun
1. the state or quality of being or becoming perfect.
4. a quality, trait, or feature of the highest degree of excellence.
It has almost become firm, this conviction of mine, that perfection - the idea of it, the concept of it, its abstract and concrete form, etc. - DOES IN FACT EXIST... somewhere in this world, if not this universe...
Allow me to explain myself:
Balance is one of the ultimate laws of the universe. Balance is utilized as a means to distinguish between things; I use it as a means to appreciate the good, because I know how bad things can get. And without it, the world as we know it would either cease to exist or simply not exist in the manner in which we, for the most part, have always perceived it (which I cannot even begin to try and wrap my mind around).
Think about it: the color white occurs, because there is a total absence of black, and vice versa. We know what white is, because black exists. Black, the diametrical opposite of white, subsists.
Life and death. Happiness and sadness. Exhilaration and pain. So on and so on and so on. One without the other supports the notion that the world, ingenuously, is not. It's not only law, but common knowledge to even the most austere minds.
And so I find myself questioning WHERE--or WHAT, is this perfection? People are constantly bombarding others/myself with the argument that nothing and no one is absolute; and that it not only is merely an idea, but an idea that transforms from person to person. So, if that truly is the case, how can we know what imperfection is, whether it is abstract or concrete? Why should I believe the general consensus that perfection is a façade? Why should I feel like I'm unhinged if someone declares whole-heartedly that perfection is illegitimate, because our Creator says it is (don't quote me on that)? Or because our Creator is the only "thing" that is (quote me on that)? I believe God is transcendent. But I also believe that He instilled in His creations the same capacity (though no one could ever really, even in theory, BE God). And another thing: How can people agree on the definition of imperfection, if their interpretation of perfection differs between them? (I ask this deviating from the textbook rendering, because that official definition is what this entry focuses on, what I question.)
I suppose most people leave it to rest when the answer "GOD" is given. But I am a curious person with strong inquisition and an insatiable desire to KNOW. And to know beyond what those around me teach me.
I've encountered a plethora of people that have since tried to annotate that because something is so imperfect, it is perfect. And although I can definitely relate, when I set aside human emotions and faith, and the human logistics begin to arise, I then conclude that that assertion does not add up (LOGISTICALLY, though I am not dismissing its weight in the least - because it's true, when concerning faith).
With everything I have learned thus far in my 21 years, I deduce that I have experienced and even lived perfection (or come close [Summer of '08 FOREVER]), as heinous as that may come off to many of you. I also dare to conjecture that perfection not only exists, but can be experienced through anyone in any way, shape, or form. I may have lived perfection at one point (and I am not referring to character), but I'm sure countless of you reading this have tasted it. Smelt it. Felt it. Heard it. Seen it... (regardless of if you realize it or not.)
And that is where I fumble; I believe I have, but I am not entirely incontestable. Because I know what I know now, I was not able to look at my life then, objectively and from a third-person point of view, and analyze just how much really was impeccable...until it was all over. Though I am positive it is possible, I do not know how to go back in time and discern whether or not my hypothesis is valid or not.
However, that is not the point. What I am attempting to make sense of, is that aside from all the negative connotations attached to the word itself, I do believe that perfection truly exists (which is actually a good thing). And I wanna find it (again?), whether it be in my career, a time in my life, an experience/experiences...or a person...
This post is not meant to coax you to believe as I do. It really is just a methodical way of me releasing these meticulous thoughts of mine into the universe in hopes that something will come back. And if YOU, the reader, keep an open mind, I'm sure in time, something along the same lines will come your way as well.
Reki*
copyright 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Fame Is Animate... (A Thank You Note)
Sometimes all we really need is someone to believe in us.
And I thank (those of) you from the bottom of my heart for believing in me.
Often times people question my motives for wanting international success.
They are met with surprise when I give them my answer.
Because it was never about the money.
The clothes.
The cars.
All the material possessions that are actually pretty immaterial.
It's always been about helping others.
Those in need.
Those that need hope.
Inspiration.
A simple notion that someone cares.
Someone to give them L O V E.
It's about making this world a better place.
And leaving it better than when I entered it.
And it's about giving my family and friends the life they deserve.
It's about repaying those that fostered my growth as an individual.
Those that insured I would live through the hardest times of my life.
And I did.
I'm really the last reason I'm doing all the things I'm doing.
Fame.
Fortune.
Music.
The undying passion for what I do will propel me even further.
And the fact that you guys believe in me makes it all that much more beautiful.
So thank you.
Thank you so much.
I love you.
And remember that dreams really do come true when you believe.
So IMAGINE.
And BELIEVE.
Because delusion does not lay within one's inability to distinguish fantasy from reality.
Rather, delusion truly lies within one's inability to perceive fantasy as (a) reality.
XOXO,
Reki*
copyright 2012
And I thank (those of) you from the bottom of my heart for believing in me.
Often times people question my motives for wanting international success.
They are met with surprise when I give them my answer.
Because it was never about the money.
The clothes.
The cars.
All the material possessions that are actually pretty immaterial.
It's always been about helping others.
Those in need.
Those that need hope.
Inspiration.
A simple notion that someone cares.
Someone to give them L O V E.
It's about making this world a better place.
And leaving it better than when I entered it.
And it's about giving my family and friends the life they deserve.
It's about repaying those that fostered my growth as an individual.
Those that insured I would live through the hardest times of my life.
And I did.
I'm really the last reason I'm doing all the things I'm doing.
Fame.
Fortune.
Music.
The undying passion for what I do will propel me even further.
And the fact that you guys believe in me makes it all that much more beautiful.
So thank you.
Thank you so much.
I love you.
And remember that dreams really do come true when you believe.
So IMAGINE.
And BELIEVE.
Because delusion does not lay within one's inability to distinguish fantasy from reality.
Rather, delusion truly lies within one's inability to perceive fantasy as (a) reality.
XOXO,
Reki*
copyright 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
A Beautiful Mind
"Let’s be realistic."
I never understood this dictum. Like, at all.
People, I ask you: what is so unrealistic about dreaming of stardom, fame, etc.? More importantly: why does it seem SO improbable to realize those dreams?
Many of you, I’d gander, may not even be able to sensibly answer that, which half-way reinforces the point that I’m about to make entirely.
I’d estimate that about a good 3/4 or more of the people I vocalize my dreams and aspirations to retort with some kind of negative viewpoint. They then proceed to concoct a laundry list of reasons it couldn’t work and is just plain "deranged," emphasizing probability as their defining argument (which, in turn, suggestively supports their own shortcomings and inability to reach for the stars. Because that is usually what it seems to boil down to).
However, in either opening or closing their debate, 9 times out of 10, they insist to "be realistic."
Now, when someone is insistent upon being pragmatic, I pretty much always consider the source.
Let’s be "rational," huh? Hmmm... Okay. If we could just be real for a quick second I’d like to make a couple of things very clear.
How far did "being reasonable" get YOU? You work a 9 - 5 DEAD END job that you ABHOR and it BARELY pays the bills. This almost goes without saying, you LIVE paycheck-to-paycheck. You have (a) kid(s) and spouse whom are dependent upon you to provide for them and you can HARDLY do that as well. You’re miserable. You’re stuck. Blah, blah, blah, blah.
I can ride this shit till the wheels fall off.
Please understand that I am in no way trying to be malign or debase people - I’m simply verbalizing those feelings in which they so candidly display, whether it be through body language, mood/energy, or little undertones in the things they say.
But honestly, how far did "being realistic" get you?
------
"You know what your odds of becoming famous are?"
"You have a better chance of getting struck by lightning than becoming famous."
"You have about a one in a billion chance of making it."
You know what’s funny about ALL of these "facts?" If it’s anything they REALLY PROVE, it is that I HAVE A CHANCE.
The odds are against me? *haha* Funny you should mention it because I LOVE challenges. I can overcome ANYTHING. And I’ll never be afraid to work. Believe that.
Struck by lightning eh? Well, I’m happy to see that you agree that there is a chance for me.
One in a billion. Yes. That is me. I am one in a billion, so thank you. d:)
People, why would you have any reason NOT to go after what it is that you dream about/are passionate about? IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING. And there is never a chance unless you take one. Why all the pessimism? Why all of these circumstances and limitations? I’m not saying this is easy, but following your heart is not as hard as those around you make it out to be.
Trust me. I’m doing it. I’ve been doing it. And it’s getting me into some really good places. ;)
As I always say, I’m not invincible. BUT I AM FEARLESS.
And what I really want is for people to be able to feel the same. In the beginning, yes, it is a bit unnerving. But once you get past all of the overwhelming, underwhelming, and preconceived emotions of placing yourself in the CENTER of YOUR universe, you’ll find that doors open up to you where there were once only walls.
No matter how big or how small, how narrow or how wide, don’t EVER let anyone try to make you feel crazy for dreaming.
Can I get an OKRRR??!!
Reki*
I never understood this dictum. Like, at all.
People, I ask you: what is so unrealistic about dreaming of stardom, fame, etc.? More importantly: why does it seem SO improbable to realize those dreams?
Many of you, I’d gander, may not even be able to sensibly answer that, which half-way reinforces the point that I’m about to make entirely.
I’d estimate that about a good 3/4 or more of the people I vocalize my dreams and aspirations to retort with some kind of negative viewpoint. They then proceed to concoct a laundry list of reasons it couldn’t work and is just plain "deranged," emphasizing probability as their defining argument (which, in turn, suggestively supports their own shortcomings and inability to reach for the stars. Because that is usually what it seems to boil down to).
However, in either opening or closing their debate, 9 times out of 10, they insist to "be realistic."
Now, when someone is insistent upon being pragmatic, I pretty much always consider the source.
Let’s be "rational," huh? Hmmm... Okay. If we could just be real for a quick second I’d like to make a couple of things very clear.
How far did "being reasonable" get YOU? You work a 9 - 5 DEAD END job that you ABHOR and it BARELY pays the bills. This almost goes without saying, you LIVE paycheck-to-paycheck. You have (a) kid(s) and spouse whom are dependent upon you to provide for them and you can HARDLY do that as well. You’re miserable. You’re stuck. Blah, blah, blah, blah.
I can ride this shit till the wheels fall off.
Please understand that I am in no way trying to be malign or debase people - I’m simply verbalizing those feelings in which they so candidly display, whether it be through body language, mood/energy, or little undertones in the things they say.
But honestly, how far did "being realistic" get you?
------
"You know what your odds of becoming famous are?"
"You have a better chance of getting struck by lightning than becoming famous."
"You have about a one in a billion chance of making it."
You know what’s funny about ALL of these "facts?" If it’s anything they REALLY PROVE, it is that I HAVE A CHANCE.
The odds are against me? *haha* Funny you should mention it because I LOVE challenges. I can overcome ANYTHING. And I’ll never be afraid to work. Believe that.
Struck by lightning eh? Well, I’m happy to see that you agree that there is a chance for me.
One in a billion. Yes. That is me. I am one in a billion, so thank you. d:)
People, why would you have any reason NOT to go after what it is that you dream about/are passionate about? IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING. And there is never a chance unless you take one. Why all the pessimism? Why all of these circumstances and limitations? I’m not saying this is easy, but following your heart is not as hard as those around you make it out to be.
Trust me. I’m doing it. I’ve been doing it. And it’s getting me into some really good places. ;)
As I always say, I’m not invincible. BUT I AM FEARLESS.
And what I really want is for people to be able to feel the same. In the beginning, yes, it is a bit unnerving. But once you get past all of the overwhelming, underwhelming, and preconceived emotions of placing yourself in the CENTER of YOUR universe, you’ll find that doors open up to you where there were once only walls.
No matter how big or how small, how narrow or how wide, don’t EVER let anyone try to make you feel crazy for dreaming.
Can I get an OKRRR??!!
Reki*
Monday, January 23, 2012
Illuminati Induction: Holywood, LOST ANGELES
I learned a HUGE secret about success in Los Angeles. I stumbled upon one of the most effective ways to get one's toes in the door, if not their entire foot.
Aside from the talent, drive, belief, and determination one must first possess (though talent is debatable these days), the greatest complimentary weapon one can acquire and harness...
...IS CONFIDENCE.
Now, before you criticize this claim and label it somewhat obvious to even the most simple of minds, allow me to iterate my findings.
When in Los Angeles (Hollywood in particular), I had become cognizant to the reality that by carrying yourself distinctively and almost regally, others not only visually see confidence - but more importantly - FEEL confidence. By creating that certain air about you (but remember to keep your nose at a friendly level), you can orchestrate an energy and aura about you that makes others feel your presence. You can command and capture attention by being "loud," but never uttering a single word. By carrying yourself with a healthy amount of confidence AND an equally compelling amount of humility, you will find that perfect strangers' interests in you pique. Creating and propelling that certain presence about you makes those around you want to get to know you, associate with you.
And the manner in which you walk, posture and all, plays such an immeasurable role. With almost every single new person I interact with, before any other detail about my character is noted and prior to any form of verbal exchange, I am regarded for my strut, as everyone refers to it. Everywhere I go, it is the first trait about me that people take notice of. Later events and experiences that took place in my high school adolescence contributed to this positive growth of self-esteem.
"You have the kind of walk that belongs on the runway."
"You don't walk, you strut."
"Can you teach me how to walk like that?"
"The first time I saw you from a distance, I saw that you have the kind of walk that makes a person look at you and go, 'damn. That guy is hot.’"
So many statements and questions encompass how I get from point A to point B. And to be honest, it is something that is just inherent of my nature, though some of my posture was taught to me. But my movement, this "strut," isn't really something I can teach to another, per se. Hell-- I remember being a little boy and my father always demanding that I "quit walking like a girl."
What did I know? I was just a kid being myself.
There is generally a catch to all of this, you understand: that people are usually unable to distinguish where confidence ends and arrogance begins. But that's a different story for a different day.
Attire, for the most part, goes hand-in-hand with this concept. When you are dressed in such a way that "pulls everything together," you can't help but feel the harmony and cohesion. You feel beautiful. When your very clothing causes you to desire to be seen, to go out and mingle, it speaks volumes of your emotions and state of mind. Fashion really is an outward expression of feelings and moods.
Let me finish with this little story. Over the span of a week, dressed in various and different outfits, feeling as confident as I've been in the past couple of years, and pairing it with my signature strut, I had COUNTLESS strangers - some women, most men - either stare at me (and I mean turn heads/double take) or simply try to converse with me at first glance and when I walked on by.
Walking down Hollywood Boulevard to the grocery store, a man walking in the opposite direction, made eye contact with me for a split second. His reaction? "Hey gorgeous." And mind you, I’m not even the best looking person.
Walking down Santa Monica Boulevard to get some lunch at a cafe, bandana across my head, aviators reflecting the sun, another man stops in his tracks and says hello. I smile and say hello back. He's just standing, staring, watching me as I'm on my way.
These examples are not intended to flatter myself - I'm attempting to prove my point. And whether you believe it or not really is of no concern to me. I'm taking my own advice so that I'll be able to continue making dreams come true.
It is beyond vital to stay as humble as possible, note to self, note to anyone willing to listen. So go do something remarkable. Go on and believe in yourself and let people see it. Allow yourself to allow others to feel you from a distance. It'll make priceless first impressions. And at some point, it'll attract those of importance to you. BELIEVE ME. :)
Having the time of my life adjusting to fame. ;)
*hehe*
Reki*
Aside from the talent, drive, belief, and determination one must first possess (though talent is debatable these days), the greatest complimentary weapon one can acquire and harness...
...IS CONFIDENCE.
Now, before you criticize this claim and label it somewhat obvious to even the most simple of minds, allow me to iterate my findings.
When in Los Angeles (Hollywood in particular), I had become cognizant to the reality that by carrying yourself distinctively and almost regally, others not only visually see confidence - but more importantly - FEEL confidence. By creating that certain air about you (but remember to keep your nose at a friendly level), you can orchestrate an energy and aura about you that makes others feel your presence. You can command and capture attention by being "loud," but never uttering a single word. By carrying yourself with a healthy amount of confidence AND an equally compelling amount of humility, you will find that perfect strangers' interests in you pique. Creating and propelling that certain presence about you makes those around you want to get to know you, associate with you.
And the manner in which you walk, posture and all, plays such an immeasurable role. With almost every single new person I interact with, before any other detail about my character is noted and prior to any form of verbal exchange, I am regarded for my strut, as everyone refers to it. Everywhere I go, it is the first trait about me that people take notice of. Later events and experiences that took place in my high school adolescence contributed to this positive growth of self-esteem.
"You have the kind of walk that belongs on the runway."
"You don't walk, you strut."
"Can you teach me how to walk like that?"
"The first time I saw you from a distance, I saw that you have the kind of walk that makes a person look at you and go, 'damn. That guy is hot.’"
So many statements and questions encompass how I get from point A to point B. And to be honest, it is something that is just inherent of my nature, though some of my posture was taught to me. But my movement, this "strut," isn't really something I can teach to another, per se. Hell-- I remember being a little boy and my father always demanding that I "quit walking like a girl."
What did I know? I was just a kid being myself.
There is generally a catch to all of this, you understand: that people are usually unable to distinguish where confidence ends and arrogance begins. But that's a different story for a different day.
Attire, for the most part, goes hand-in-hand with this concept. When you are dressed in such a way that "pulls everything together," you can't help but feel the harmony and cohesion. You feel beautiful. When your very clothing causes you to desire to be seen, to go out and mingle, it speaks volumes of your emotions and state of mind. Fashion really is an outward expression of feelings and moods.
Let me finish with this little story. Over the span of a week, dressed in various and different outfits, feeling as confident as I've been in the past couple of years, and pairing it with my signature strut, I had COUNTLESS strangers - some women, most men - either stare at me (and I mean turn heads/double take) or simply try to converse with me at first glance and when I walked on by.
Walking down Hollywood Boulevard to the grocery store, a man walking in the opposite direction, made eye contact with me for a split second. His reaction? "Hey gorgeous." And mind you, I’m not even the best looking person.
Walking down Santa Monica Boulevard to get some lunch at a cafe, bandana across my head, aviators reflecting the sun, another man stops in his tracks and says hello. I smile and say hello back. He's just standing, staring, watching me as I'm on my way.
These examples are not intended to flatter myself - I'm attempting to prove my point. And whether you believe it or not really is of no concern to me. I'm taking my own advice so that I'll be able to continue making dreams come true.
It is beyond vital to stay as humble as possible, note to self, note to anyone willing to listen. So go do something remarkable. Go on and believe in yourself and let people see it. Allow yourself to allow others to feel you from a distance. It'll make priceless first impressions. And at some point, it'll attract those of importance to you. BELIEVE ME. :)
Having the time of my life adjusting to fame. ;)
*hehe*
Reki*
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