"I'm not myself when you're around. I'm not myself standing in a crowd. I'm not myself, and I don't know how. I'm not myself, myself right now."
These lyrics (sung by Madonna on "X-static Process" from her severely underrated album American Life - you should listen sometime if you haven't) have been resonating with me in a discordant way lately. And although I've listened to this song millions of times over (because it's so poetic and beautiful), recently, I've actually been able to experience, relate, and penetrate into the depths of its lyrical content and value through means of another person's company. It is so unusual to me, just how someone's presence can summon all of your idiosyncrasies. And that, because we are multifaceted individuals with multidimensional personalities (at least I hope), there are those people out there in the world that have the ability to compel those latent qualities within us to come out and play. It happens at least once in everyone's life, if not twice. And it's the most noticeable thing when it occurs.
Needless to say...
...there's this boy...
I know, I know. Seems like all I ever do in these situations is elaborate in vague AND precise detail about just how much tumult and woe boys cause. But this certain context strikes me pretty contrastive than all the others boys I've had the misfortune of tripping over in the past months since I've relocated here.
The only true problem with any of this is that I am not capable of concluding whether THIS ONE is for better or for worse.
In short, for those of you that know me (and know anything about me), it is markedly evident that by demeanor, nature, and instinct, my mannerisms tend to blend the societal constructs of what is conventional behavior for a man and for a woman. I'd claim a good 60/40 feminine-to-masculine ratio (for sake of simplicity for this post). And with that in mind, I have the proclivity to assume a more passive, beta male role when it comes to romance and intimacy with other men. That's how I've always been. It's just me in my element. Me at my most comfortable. Me at my most confident. So on and so forth...
...though not always.
And that statement ("though not always") is where things become a bit upended.
I met this boy. I really enjoy passing the time with him. I really enjoy talking with him. I really enjoy his smile and laughter. He has expressed himself mutually. And we're still at the basis of this acquaintanceship/friendship. He contains a pretty masculine disposition, as I tend to affirm more effeminacy (as stated above). It's a good balance.
You probably know where all this is leading...
Well, due to my unilateral way of conceiving relationships (by means of heterosexist indoctrination - thank you Springfield, Missouri), I assumed, when first spending time with him, that since he conducts himself in a more MASCULINE comportment (though he contains his own feminine tendencies as well), if it ever came down to it, he would IDEALISTICALLY be the TOP, correct?
WRONG.
Turns out, when said boy is with another man (implications of bisexuality in case you couldn't pick that up), he culls the same position I normally do. In fact, he's almost entirely impartial to dominance over another male.
Talk about a buzz-kill. Don't y'all (more effeminate) BOTTOMS (seeking a more dominating top) hate that? It's like, you meet someone that is seemingly PERFECT. It's almost as if you hit the lotto. You're having fun and shit and just talking and hanging out and having a good time. And then THAT goes and happens. And all you wanna do is scream, "FAHK!!! FAWK!!!!! FUCKKKK!!!!!" What is this world coming to? I feel like you could place 1000 exclusive tops into one room and tell them to find a partner and they'll 9-times-out-of-10 successfully do it with "reasonable" compromise. But do the same with exclusive bottoms and it's like, out of the question. It's like, what are we gonna do? Scissor? UGHHHHHHHHH.
Moving on...
That is how all of this has panned out thus far, mind you.
Well, retracing back to Madonna's lyrics in the beginning, the days that came to follow after he informed me of his preference, it was almost as if a switch inside my mind was flipped; like the equilibrium of his masculinity and my femininity tipped completely over to the masculine side. I found myself behaving more, hmmmm, how do you say, virile. It was natural in some ways (40 of the 60 ratio and highly noteworthy), contrived in others ([60 of the 40] queries and antecedents of what it means to be "The Alpha", then carry out the part).
And that - I'm almost positive - may be all too trivial for you to understand, as I tend to really be the only one that knows what it is I am trying to depict. But I always figure I'd give things a shot. There's gotta be someone out there that knows what I'm saying.
I felt that since he - and without question - appropriated MY zone of comfort, I had to assume the role I'm not accustomed to playing. So again, the position of alpha was naturally (in the long run) taken on - it's not new (because this has happened TWICE before in the past with one guy), but it still isn't totally familiar (because it's ONLY happened TWICE in the past and that was well over a year ago), I guess would be the most sensible way to explain it. But from the other perspective, it still isn't absolutely natural (I'm a bottom damn it, and I know what I want). And conversely, since I tend to not be the active partner and submit, he was really being the dominant one by refusing to apply himself to what has been associated with his aptitude.
In layman's terms, he naturally and unnaturally provoked the masculine side of my personality (almost as a whole) on numerous planes and to the point that I almost shun my feminine poise and impulses around him...
"Jesus Christ won't you look at me? Don't know who I'm supposed to be. Don't really know if I should give a damn. When you're around, I don't know who I am," sings Madonna throughout the chorus of the song.
And those words spoke to me in a whole new way, all of a sudden. The more time I spent with him, the more I became unsure of who I was supposed to be around him. The more I felt I didn't know who I was around him. The more I questioned whether or not I could even be myself in EVERY LIGHT of the term and still attract him. The more the feminine side of the coin was face-down.
It's not good. It's not bad. It's not that I'm not being myself, because I am. I'm just being the me that doesn't routinely surface. I'm being the me I'm not completely sure how to actually be. I'm being the me that never really has a reason to appear. The me that not too many people in this world have the capability of invoking.
And that really is what I've been trying to get at this whole time (I know, directness is not my strong suit). Those of you out there that chuckle when I claim I'm actually pretty masculine too (and I'm sorry for the labels. I'm just trying to be emphatic. Call it a double-edged sword) really have no clue who I am at the very core. Because as I've said in the beginning, as multifaceted individuals with multidimensional personalities - myself being one of those individuals - there isn't merely ONE side of me to every situation and person. And if YOU are the same everytime, all the time, you must be REALLY BORING.
(And just a side note to all you gays out there reading this: whenever approached or conversing with a guy that is "naturally" or "just/only masculine", ABORT MISSION. That dude right there probably has NO brains, NO personality, and NO versatility. And what does that equal? NO FUN.)
It's as simple as those instances when you hear someone's friend or family member say, "I don't like who so-and-so is when they're around so-and-so," or "so-and-so becomes a completely different person when so-and-so is around."
A different person? They're just showcasing the side of them people aren't used to seeing (and they themselves probably are unaware of it); and that person they're exposed to has the ability to rouse it out of them. It's rather catalytic. And what's more, it's really that simple. Think about it people.
This all points back to the heterosexist conditioning that is imposed upon this world. If I am to be the alpha male, then I am to govern myself within the customary standard of what it means in society to play the role. And that is so black and white of me. I can't apologize for it; especially if I am aware that this world isn't always so cookie cutter. I can try to change my outlook, however. But it's a challenge.
But this begs the question: if we are BOTH masculine, then why does one portray the passive partner and the other the active partner? And moreover, why is that so acceptable and "normal" within the gay community, but more crucially, viewed as quintessential? It's almost unheard of (at least in my own ears and experience) of TWO feminine men in a relationship where the sexual compatibility is a match, as the aforementioned. Yet, that almost seems outlandish in the community. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's my Missourian speaking.
Maybe I'm extrapolating too much.
Because this boy ended up telling me that he was indeed attracted to the feminine side of myself I wasn't pressured to constrain when we began spending time together. And now that I know what I know, I have to try and get comfortable openly expressing that side of myself around him all over again. This is a lot of work, and we're just friends. But, we're friends nonetheless and just going with the flow. Who knows what'll happen with us? Besides, my musical career is what is MOST important. But either way, I like having him around. I'm learning a lot about myself and what it means to continue on being me in every single way I can and know...and being untroubled by it. He's really helping me to learn how to be confident with ALL sides of my personality.
"I always wished that I could find someone as beautiful as you. But in the process I forgot that I was special too. I always wished that I could find someone as talented as you. But in the process I forgot that I was just as good as you..."
Reki*
copyright 2013
