Saturday, August 31, 2013

8.2.13 - My Anxiety Attack

Fractured
Scattered into fractured pieces
In and out
The room grew and shrunk
Inhaled, then swallowed me whole
The air struggled to fill these lungs
And required even more exertion to expel
My tongue silenced
Though I attempted to articulate

Hardly am I ever at a loss
Dumbstruck
Scattered into fractured pieces
My body overcome by kinetic
Frenetic
And frantic energy
Feeling as though surely I’d rip at my seams
In every direction
And my brain possessed by the urgent desire to sleep

Somewhere in-between it all
I did
But like a comatose
My mind and senses still active and conscious
As my body
Idly rested
Willed or not
And internally
Scattered into fractured pieces

Where was I?
And where did I go?
You phone me
She texts me
Dad tells me

I’m awake?
I’m here at Robert’s on his couch
Spinning gently
But I cannot translate
Compute
What sounds like nothing but noise on your end
Sure
I’ll be waiting here when you arrive
Fractured into scattered pieces

Composure slightly finds its way to me
As I sit up and begin to pray
Meditate
And focus
Explaining to Liz my methods
Beliefs and charms
And with the slightest friction
These beads crackle in unison

But I’m scattered
Scattered into fractured pieces

Nothing but tears

And in the pervasive, deafening silence
She calls for me…

You call my name
That angelic voice














































“Eric…”






















































"...Mommy?"

The longest split-second I’ve ever lived
Eternal flash
As I look up
You are there
In the distance
And so very close to me, the same
Mystifying light surrounds you and is present in the background
Blinding
Positioned over me

In that split second
You were facing me
But your body ever-so-subtly to your left
Your posture a bit inverted

Right then
Right there
You looked me directly in the eyes
Directly to my scattered, fractured soul
Your expression neither that of peace
Nor that of pain
Not a word spoken
Though I understood
Your message
Still so pertinent
And current

You’re still 1600 miles away
Locked in a battle
Like you’re mid-point
Hanging in the balance

But you found your way to reach me
To find me in scattered, fractured pieces

This eternal moment in time
Lasting but a heartbeat
Our heartbeats
As one

And though I questioned if it were over
Something about the state you were in
Metaphysically
And the emotions you conveyed
Connoted your tangible existence
Persists, as it has been

And once the very second came to pass
“My final good-byes” in a voice that was my own
But some other young man’s
Simultaneously sung in my head --

“WAIT!”


A ray of light hits me again
Sheer FORCE
Like a wrecking ball right to my chest
My vision disabled
My lungs robbed of oxygen
And the torrent burst from these eyes

You vanish

My soul is being tugged
Brutally
Unmercifully tugged
Though my body begins to contort
Implode
I’m set ablaze
Prickled and stabbed intrinsically
So intensely
Pain siphoned to this heart of mine like being ravaged by a dagger
I can’t feel my anterior
So desensitized
But somehow
Relentless anguish
External trauma

Where is my mouth?
My hands like cement
My legs in a frenzy
My heart and pulse escalating
My entire body on the verge of combustion
And as if through another set of eyes I could see my own self on that couch
I cry out for you
I shout for you
And it hurt me on every conceivable level
As Robert and Liz sought control
Reassurance
For my scattered, fractured pieces

And I just broke…



You touched me
You touched me, Mommy
You got to see Your Baby Boy
Projection
Ethereal
Astral
I met you in another world

And you still want me to help
To hold
To sing to you

You touched my soul, Mommy
You saw Your Little Songbird’s inner force
You found my essence, my life
Found your way to me from where you are
Saw my fractured, scattered pieces

And though I made it back
As the music next door crept its way through my being and moved right into me
Replaced my violent convulses with rhythmic rolls
Restored me
And over two hours lapsed over me
I made it back here
And I can still hear you
Can still see you
I made it back here
And I’m coming now
I’m answering you
I’m on my way, Mommy
So hang in there
I’m coming to save all that I can
Because now I feel you everywhere
And you’re telling me it’s yet to be finished
Just one more time
One last colossal push
Find it in you
To find yourself underneath it all again

Though you too
Are scattered into fractured pieces

Everything
In this world to me



copyright 2013







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