Thursday, October 31, 2013

What I've Felt Since You Left...

Dialogue
How could You allow it to happen?
Permit Your hasty repossession of a borrowed heart and soul
Whom doth belonged to a family
Here on Earth?
Through my discourse with her
And You
Leading into her final days
I am befuddled that much more following her death
And by Your will
Repossession of our Mother for which You only lent
And left my shattered Father
My despondent, helpless Father whom I love just as much as her
You have left him deserted
Fearful
And shattered
Not merely broken in two by the tangible separation
But shattered
Because what is he to do now?
Other than feel the barren void You have so precisely bestowed unto him?
How can anyone understand him now
Now that she – the only one who ever did – is gone?
Back in Your possession?
His days stripped of their usual meaning
Love of a dear wife
Life partner
And I incessantly question You
And Your decisions to “look after” those in similar situations
Grant them longer opportunities
To continue being such figures in their families
But her
Were You not doing the same?
Looking out for her?
Shit – at least there could have been another way
A less painful
Miserable
Humiliating
Debilitating
More peaceful way for You to fucking take her
Because look what’s left
The longest (hardly) three months of my fucking life
Look what You left in Your wake
A family in mourning
Missing the strongest link
And it is without question
That I will continue
Transition into this new phase
But not without her – NEVER
Because to be frank
I don’t give a fuck that she had always been Yours
As far as I’m concerned
For 22 years she was mine HERE
And it pains me knowing that Your authority wields the ability to take back whenever You so desire
As if our pleads were muffled, then dismissed by Your ego
As if You didn’t even consider
Didn’t give it a chance
Her
Another chance
So go on with Your bad self
My anger may subside
But this desolation won’t
And neither will I ever understand
I may come to terms
And make peace
But I will never understand why You took her back so soon


Connect Here
I was there at the train station
Waiting diligently to go home
Reading words and ideas from another time
In a different part of the world
I grew tired of sitting –
(Funny as that may be because of the mere fact that that is usually what one does when tired – sits)
- Closed my book and stood a foot from the yellow line
When a gust of artifice brushed past me
I was instantly struck
Hypnotized, almost
And began to question
If the arrival of death
Is much like that of the arrival of a train
As I waited in the same spot
And began to wander off in my imagination
The gust intensified from a whisper
To a roaring wind cool to the touch on every exposed part of me
Death was quickly approaching
All at once
The environment ceased its commotion
And it felt as though the entire world and its inhabitants
Were suspended in that moment
And death was coming
All too fast
But now
All too slow
Simultaneously
And not fast enough
As if to suspend me too
Because I was expecting it
Bracing myself for his entrance
Bursting through that tunnel
A whirlwind has picked up now
And I can hear the echo of a unique battle cry
Three times in a row
He’s right around the corner
As I can faintly see The Light
No need to head for it – it’s going to find me anyway
Encapsulated by its radiance
Because finally
Off in the distance
He is there
Swiping up those in his path
Those in waiting
Battle cries
And the muscle of the cyclone could easily level out any terrain
And the light just grows and grows brighter and brighter
I stand ready and willing
With open arms
Fixed on that beam of light
Comparable
To the flashing of one’s own life and existence
Because death has found me now – there’s no escape
Nothing left to do but to let it rush past me with all the velocity is has built upon
Collecting my soul with all the others
Much like he did with your own
Such an imperative part of life
Equally as important as birth
And with one swift motion
My mind is swept off its feet in the direction of travel past me
Though I open my eyes
It all comes to a succinct stop
The doors to the train open as well
And I step inside
Ready for the next part of my journey
Home


Unremitting Ascension
I don’t know whether to be happy you’re free
Or mourn that you died
But suddenly
It’s as if I understand
Both
I open my eyes
And everything looks so different
So colorful
And animated and lively
And bigger and broader
And in some form of inexplicable sense
Happier
As if a bucket of paint
With your name on it
Was purposefully strewn across a canvas
Reaching every corner
Adorning every blank inch
As it thirsted for any kind of personality
And distinction
With your enlivened eyes
And equanimous smile bright enough to serve as my North Star
Your ravenous hair blowing in the tranquility of the breeze
And your joyous laughter and rapturous heartbeat
More thrilling, expectant, and rhythmic than any music I’ve ever known
All in the spectrum of hues
You’ve decorated my world with yourself
Incarnate
You are eternity
You truly continue to live
Born again, almost
Transformed, completely
Surviving from your earthly loss
Reveling in how much you’ve acquired from it
And what you’ve been able to impart unto your children
A mother, you were born to be
For I cannot think of any other woman more suitable
More saintly
More perfect
Than you
My Mommy
And those very things
In which you’ve always been capable
You are now and forevermore
Master of
You have accessed
Life force
And I can only imagine what life does in fact look like from where you stand
Because the refinement you’ve given mine
Is one only a mother
You, MY Mother
Could provide
You’ve given me life
In the most modest and literal
Yet most meticulous ways
You’ve given me the air I breathe
And have taken it away just the same
You’ve covered every step
Every foot of ground
Direct
And indirect
Everything
In such short span of time
The womb to which my first home was declared
To the roof that I am writing underneath
Meeting somewhere in the middle
You are the life-sustaining water I drink
The beautiful flowers that bloom each spring
The lush pillow I rest my head on at night
The sun, the moon, and the stars
Perpetual and metaphysical
Manifesting into the temporal
And I am so inspired
And undividedly entranced
Because you are eternity
Mommy





copyright 2013

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